Walk the Plank, You Loser

Cubs - 4
Pirates - 2

Ted Lilly and Derek Lee formed like a two-lion Voltron (Red and Black, natch) to dispatch the Pirates this afternoon, in what was a rainy, sludgy, affair that meant nothing to no one but radio producers on rain delay duty (*ahem*) and long-suffering Pirates fans, the latter of which now have the dubious title of MOST LOSINGNESS BASEBALL FANS EVER. 17 straight seasons of losing ball, and oh what a ride it's been! Here's some things that have happened since the last time the Bucs finished above .500:

• Fall of Apartheid


• Collapse of the Soviet Union


• mp3s, ipods, etc


• The time I drank a bunch of Apple Pucker and puked in the bushes

I really, truly do feel bad for the fans, who've dealt with white flag season after white flag season. The Bucs are perpetually stocked with great farm kids, who are cherry picked at will, often by teams in the NL Central! The Cubs have turned it into an artform, absconding with Aramis Ramirez, Tom Gorzelanny, Randall Simon ,etc. Ok, so maybe Randall Simon doesn't belong on that list, but dude smacked that sausage, and would hit 700 ft homers onto Waveland. The hero of my summer, 2003:

Part of me feels bad that Bucs fans have to put up with the indignity of their mascot being co-opted by shitty, kickball-playing hipsters. Although the Pirate vs Ninja thing has died down in the past couple years, it's stain on pop-culture remains, like a dirty brackish line on the wall of McCarren Park Pool. Yeah, living in Pittsburgh would suck unless you're Michael Chabon or Ben Huck-It-Chuck-It Football, but no one should have to be embarrassed of their baseball mascot due to human garbage like this:

This was the team of Clemente, Stargell, Bonilla, Bonds, etc. Take back your pride, people of the 'burgh. Dan and I will help, if you want. We're free.