Remetee Clothing: The New Tuxedo T-Shirt

Tonight the Cubs (sans Soriano, who's having season-ending surgery) get ready to square off against Milwaukee's Best for the last time this season. Never a dull moment with these two teams, until tonight. It will be dull. If you're a Chicago baseball fan, you're already in Bears mode moving to an abandoned school bus like Chris McCandless, or have other things on your mind: CLUBBING!

Now when I'm about to hit the clubs in Chicago, I spend a minimum of three hours grooming. I wash, rinse, and repeat with my BLAGO SHAMPOO. I make sure my goatee is perfectly symmetrical. I get out the old trusty MDMA kit and test the stash. Then I spend an hour on which Ed Hardy shirt I'm going to wear. Sometimes I rock the camo, other times I'm feeling the baby blue...depends on what pendant I'm wearing out. But you know what? Sometime I think Ed Hardy isn't gaudy enough. No, I need some real, real flashy, tacky shit that says "hey I've been to Sturgis, but I'll also pound Sparks and dance ironically to Soulja Boy at the clubs in Milwaukee." If you're like me, then look no further than the Brewers' own Ryan Bruan, and his clothing line.....REMETEE.


Just say that word out loud. Let it roll off your tongue. It will take you at least three or four times before you're able to figure out, "Oh, ok...like 'REMEDY'....ok, yeah I get it." It's the perfect mix of bad pun and awful spelling, like the athelete equivilent of "DECAYDANCE". So stupid. The idea for Remetee probably hit Braun as he was lamping in the cut with his boy, your boy, all our boys....CC.

• CC: AYO BRAUN! CHECK ME USE THIS ASIAN GIRL AS AN ARMREST, B!
  
  
• RB: UH, COOL MAN. HEY HAVE YOU MET LARISSA? SHE'S 1/3RD COMANCHE AND SOME OTHER SHIT, AND WORKS AT A TANNING BOOTH. FREE TANS!
  
  
• CC: UH, I'M BLACK, SON. GET AT ME WHEN YOU FIND A GIRL THAT WORKS AT AUNTIE ANNE'S PRETZELS, OK?
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• RB: DO YOU DIG MY SHIRT? KARL KANI! ALSO, CHECK THE LID--20 BUCKS AT CHESS KING!
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• CC: FOR THAT BUSTED ASS KANGOL? YOU LOOK LIKE A GAY DETECTIVE. AND WHAT'S WITH THE SHIRT? ARE YOU AT A CHURCH SOCIAL IN JULY? ARE YOU A SEXY BARTENDER? LOOK AT CC! LOOK AT ME! XXX-L T SHIRT. GIRLS LOVE THAT SHIT.
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• RB: REALLY? MAYBE WE COULD MAKE OUR OWN T-SHIRTS...FOR CLUBBING!
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• CC: WHAT DO YOU MEAN "WE", KEMOSABE? IF YOU THINK MY BLACK ASS IS STAYING A MINUTE MORE IN WISCONSIN THAN I NEED TO, THEN YOU'RE FUCKING CRAZY. NEW YORK STATE OF MIND!

Remetee is the reason athletes go broke when they retire. It's like the last days of the dot-com bubble, where start-ups were able to pry millions of dollars out of investors for a website where you could mail-order milk. Ryan Braun is about to ruin athlete-owned clothing lines for good. He'll make good on the promise of Zubaz. Let's take a look at the fall lineup:


This one is particularly cool, because it manages to combine two white-hot trends: looking like an Avenged Sevenfold fan and putting your arms over your head in an anguished pose. Also, someone forgot to tell Braun that just because the screenprinter cuts you a deal, it doesn't mean you have to use every color the factory has. This looks like a hit-and-run victim at a low-rider convention

If you can't tell, these girls are extremely excited for the chance to extend their own personal brand by wearing clothes that Vince Neil's hookers on retainer wouldn't be caught dead in. Bonus points to whichever triplet actually bedded Braun (trick question: they all did).

"If you would've told me ten years ago that today I'd be driving a PT Cruiser, popping oxycontin, getting a penis piercing and dressing like a punch-drunk MMA fighter, I would've laughed you right out of the board room."

I know what you're thinking: "Ryan! I'm not a stripper, a clubhouse attendent, or various Milwaukee detritus! Can I represent Remetee?" If you're Chris BIRDMAN Anderson, then yes, you can!

Grady Sizemore looking positively GQ in this Nightshade/Bleached out mess. As if he didn't have the clubs of Clevo locked down before. Look out Brady Quinn!

Fellow Brewer Bill Hall, making sure he doesn't run into anyone he knows while he's got Braun's stupid fucking t-shirt on. He better be getting paid for this. Call his manager.

Nothing says "touch of class" like JJ Hardy in a Remetee Skull shirt. Jesus Christ, this wouldn't even past muster at the airbrush t-shirt stand at the mall.

And last but not least, the creator, dressed in what will no doubtedly be the fashion craze of Kansas State University in '10.

REMETEE!