Hello, Children. The Word of the Day is "Urine"

"I don't like them fellas who drive in two runs and let in three." - Casey Stengel

"Radical honesty," huh? I'm game.

As a fully committed White Sox fan, I'm not gonna be one to claim that my compatriots are above senseless and ridiculously stupid behavior. I will, however, commend and thank the Sox management for their progressive interpretation of "basic bathroom design in the 21st century." I'm quite thankful that I never have to experience the buzz-kill of urinating into a common area with "Frank Slowitzki" and his billowing mustache (not that there's anything wrong with that) when I'm 6+ innings into mediocre ball and 3+ plastic cups into mediocre beer.

Side tangent: Brewers fans get High Life on tap, and I have more chromosomes than all of them combined. Vending masters: let's get things crackin' up in US Cellular, for the love of God. I'm not asking for futuristic beer guys patrolling my section with Mai Tai backpacks or anything stupid- just some High Life is all I'm asking for.

Anyway, one reason- small as it may be- that I'm glad to be a Sox fan is that I get the full benefit of modernized, single-user latrines. I'm grateful that I don't get the full-on "trough experience" that blue-clad perverts like Jarrett so gleefully tapdance to between innings. In all likelihood, I feel this gratitude because I know that at some juncture I might have to deal with some douchebag like this:



I suppose I'm not being quite fair to my fellow South Side fans. We do choose to abstain from abusing some common priveleges which Cubs fans happen to share with us. The vendors give us cups of beer, and we don't lob them onto the heads of opposing centerfielders EDIT: whilst hanging sunglasses from the necks of our white tee shirts EDIT: and looking incredibly, incredibly stoned EDIT: and having last names that sound like something you can order from Starbucks. (see also: venti caramel Macchione for $8.50. Pairs well with a scone.)

Macchione. Italian for "unworthy of the prefix Macchio." If you were a first base coach, and I were white trash, I might grow a mullet and storm the field with my drunken, mulleted father just to smite you with our redneck fists. Fists of rage, and beauty. You stand as further proof to my theory that a hat with anything on the bill is just a bad idea, and what's under that hat is, in all likelihood, an even worse idea than the shitty hat was.

But do you know who does make me want to do a running dive through a urine-filled trough? This guy:














Firstly, I guarantee you that he didn't catch this ball. This is because Scott Podsednik only does three things:

1. chews way too much tobacco
2. wears his pants high
3. sucks at catching baseballs

"He's so... grindy," they say. So was Aaron Rowand. So was Darin "Where's The Fucking Ball, I Lost The Fucking Ball, Fuck Me" Erstad. Grindy does not equal good in my world. I don't care if he's fast enough to get back to the wall in good time, either. You have to be able to catch the damn thing once you're there.

I appreciate your 2005 World Series home run, Scott. My friend Aaron with one nut thinks your wife is hot. In all seriousness, however, it's time for you to go to an AL team who can afford to DH a guy with no power, or to an NL team who will tolerate extremely shitty corner outfielder play (think Cubs!). I just want to know why, every time I watch you play the outfield, it hurts when I pee.

"But the Sox wouldn't even be in the position they are right now if it weren't for Pods!" They retort. What's that- 3 games back at a constant clip, unable to gain any ground on the Tigers? If I recall correctly, on that latest road swing out west, there were about two games whose balance could've been decided differently if a certain grindy left fielder had 1. timed a catch at the wall in Oakland like he wasn't afraid of the wall and 2. not been picked off of third base in Seattle in a tie ball game after he'd already seen the catcher try to throw down to third. What good is a lead off guy who can leg out infield singles, swipe some bags, then get picked off out of scoring position? Why even waste the energy? Why not get called out looking at strike three, like you used to, before we canned your dumb ass the first time around?

In summation, the burden of designated hitting in the lead off slot should never be left to amateurs like Scotty Pods, but should be handled by experts in the field.

See Also: Alfonso Soriano.

-=-=-

Scott Linebrink, you're next.