APOCALYPSE NOW

After two years of mind-numbing South Side baseball intrigue leaving me without 90% of my frontal lobe and equally impotent, I have returned to declare that the end is near. The kingdom is most surely at hand. Is it any coincidence that 2012, long-speculated as having some sort of apocalyptic meaning, is going to feature a White Sox team with the projected lead-off hitter being Alejandro De Aza (92.5% impotent now)? When a Mayan worker finished chiseling "2011" into a stone slab, was he suddenly overcome by the feeling that his eyes were being stabbed with a thousand needles as he saw THIS vision?

So much time has passed that I do not even know where to begin attempting to catch up. Suffice it to say, Kenny Williams' choices of 2009- the Alex Rios waiver claim and the Jake Peavy trade- have left the Sox in a handcuffed position. In the case of Rios, $22.7M has been paid to him for a .685 OPS thus far, with another $37M coming before 2015 and a $1M team buyout kicks in. Alex Rios' contract would be more suitable for the NBA, it is so shitty. Peavy, the human embodiment of Roy Oswalt's bulldozer, has been paid $31M over two injury-riddled years. He has another $17M coming to him for this season, after which he will be eligible for a $4M buyout. In the case of both these players, I hope that the Sox have the common sense to cut ties with these albatrosses and move on. Paying out $5M between the two will save roughly $30.5M in cash.

Moving on to other shitty things, the present White Sox 40-man roster makes me want to immediately place my genitals on a car battery. Here is the rundown, with omissions for the pitchers on the 40-man- some things are better unseen. You're welcome.

Starting Pitchers:

1. John Danks
2. Jake Peavy
3. Gavin Floyd
4. Chris Sale
5. Phil Humber

Zach Stewart (long-relief candidate capable of spot starts)

Relief Pitchers:

1. Jesse Crain
2. Matt Thornton
3. Addison Reed
4. Will Ohman
5. ?
6. ?
7. LRP - Zach Stewart? / Dylan Axelrod? / Hector Santiago?

Projected Lineup:

1. Alejandro De Aza LF
2. Alexei Ramirez SS
3. Paul Konerko 1B
4. Adam Dunn DH
5. Dayan Viciedo RF
6. A.J. Pierzynski C
7. Brent Morel 3B
8. Alex Rios CF
9. Gordon Beckham 2B

Bench:

1. Eduardo Escobar IF
2. Osvaldo Martinez IF
3. Brent Lillibridge IF/OF
4. Tyler Flowers C

The rapture is coming. Bring it.

Not Your Father's Gonzo

Gonzalez for Konerko in Three-Way Deal with Anaheim?


Thanksgiving is almost here, and we Sox fans might have something to actually be thankful for this year, besides putting that steaming piece of shit which was our last season to bed, permanent-like. It was like a biblical shit-storm. Like, God himself rained fire and brimstone on Sodom, Gommorah, and the 2009 Chicago White Sox. And not even in that order.

Speaking of Godly events and converting an entire populace from sin to see the light, the rumor mills are circulating word that Kenny is trying to hack out a three-team deal which would bring slugger Adrian Gonzalez from the depths of hell out in San Diego and get him in the mix at US Cellular Field, where pitchers go to die.

(Except for Scott Linebrink, who- like a platypus- has failed to meet extinction and manages to survive on with no real purpose other than looking ridiculous. The platypus is an excellent swimmer; I'm not sure what the hell Linebrink is good at. Oh wait, now I remember: hanging fastballs for people to piss on. That's right. Yeah, he's really good at that.)

Anyway, back to the half-full glass. Adrian Gonzalez can hit the living shit out of a baseball. He hits it like Sammy Sosa hits his wife: hard, and unapologetically. If he puts on a Sox uniform, I would think Gonzo would be one of the best hitters to wear it since Frank Thomas in his prime. Don't believe me? Check out his stats from last year:

160 games played, 153 hits, 27 doubles, 40 home runs, 99 runs batted in, 119 walks, a batting average of .277, an on-base percentage of .407, and an on-base plus slugging figure of .958.

Where do I sign my name on this thing?

His full-season averages look pretty tasty as well: 168 hits, 36 doubles, 32 homers, 98 rbi, a .281 batting average, and an OBP of .362. I would love to see a power-hitting left-handed bat like this right smack in the middle of our lineup... that isn't necessarily Jim Thome. Yes. Yes please.

Here's another couple of perks: Gonzalez is only 27 years old, and- here's the best part- he's cheaper than a fucking case of Schlitz. He's scheduled to make $4.75 million next year, and then make $5.5 million with a club option in 2011. I think I'd take that option.

Now, the catch: vaya con dios, Paul Konerko. You'll finally be going to Anaheim. And see you later, prospects: Tyler Flowers, Daniel Hudson, Jordan Danks, Dayan Viciedo, and Brent Morel have all been named as possible chips to be sent to either Anaheim or San Diego. I don't mind the idea of us shipping out any/all of these prospects, because after hearing names like Lance Broadway/Charlie Haegar/Aaron Poreda being talked up like the second coming of Maddux/Smoltz/Glavine by Hawk Harrelson and Phil "The More Foot You Show The Hotter I Get" Rogers over the past x years, I'm pretty much over our evaluation of player development... and Gordon Beckham doesn't count in the collective shitpile of Sox prospects, because even Stevie Wonder could see that kid could rake in college.

Ah, the silence...

I am at peace with my idea of Paul Konerko. He's been tailing off in the past few years, and he also has a $12 million contract hanging over us like Black Death 1400something. I love Paulie, he'll always be one of my favorite Sox players, but if losing him can in any way bring us Adrian Gonzalez, then don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out, old timer. It's been a treat.

In summation, Konerko to Anaheim with prospects, Sox/Anaheim prospects to San Diego. Adrian Gonzalez to Chicago. Good day.

-=-=-

In other news, Buerhle won a Gold Glove, which is great and all except for the part where people win Gold Gloves with pretty much zero merit defensively. See also: Derek Jeter winning one this year. Anyway, it's cool for Buerhle to get some acknowledgement, congratulations!

In other award news, Bacon didn't get Rookie of the Year. He actually finished 5th in the voting, behind Jeff Niemann (TB), Rick Porcello (DET), Elvis Andrus (TEX), and the big winner Andrew Bailey of Oakland. I don't think they factored the quality of these players' respective hair-dos into the voting process. Writers.

-=-=-

And to close, Kenny says that Chone Figgins is too damn expensive. We knew this anyway. Just please don't bring back Podsednik. Then again, if you bring us Adrian Gonzalez, you can pretty much do whatever the hell you want. I'll be agreeable.

Labor Pains

Voila! There's the offense! The White Sox had a good home series versus the Wild Card leading Boston Red Sox, winning 3 of the 4 contests over the Labor Day weekend. This thumping of the Beantown fucks comes just over a week after they punished an extremely underperforming White Sox club in the pinball machine that is Fenway Park. This much-needed retribution leads me to the ask the inevitable question:

How you like them apples, Matt Damon?

Red Sox starting pitcher Paul Byrd, opting to add "White Sox lineup" to the list of his personal struggles somewhere in between "pornography" and "using enough HGH to stay competitive but not enough to make my testicles atrophy", let in 7 runs in his start at US Cellular Field. Hey, Paul? The Warren Spahn windup thing was neat the first few years you did it and all, but... it's not holding water. Perhaps that's why pitching technique evolved beyond windmilling your arms willy-nilly and high-kicking your lead foot like a jackass? Here's a thought: put down the vintage nudie mags, and talk to your pitching coach. Or, just keep struggling with your porn. I don't care. Either way, you're ugly and you suck. White Sox 12, Boston 1.

In game 2, Gavin Floyd up and decided to set a career-high for himself in strikeouts, fanning 11 BoSox batters in 8 full innings. Everyone's goin' to Sha-Booms! White Sox 5, Red Sox 1.

Game 3 was a classic letdown. Johnny Danks only let in 3 runs over 7 innings, but then Octavio Dotel couldn't make it to the locker room before he filled his own drawers up with steaming diarrhea. No run support for Danks. Again. I don't know if John Danks can afford to look more pissed. Red Sox 6, White Sox 1.

Game 4 was a classic Mark Buehrle performance; aka "I'm gonna let on plenty of runners, but somehow I'm gonna manage to squeak out of every situation and let in one run." After Buehrle's month and a half long hangover following El Perfecto, it was a welcome sight. I mean, there's a lot in my book that you're entitled to after throwing a perfect game, but I was starting to worry. White Sox 5, Boston 1.

-=-=-

Next up, 2 games versus the Oakland A's, who we've struggled with this year. Trap series, anyone?

Injury Update: Gordon Beckham pulled an oblique muscle in the Saturday game vs. Boston, and is supposedly on track to be back in tomorrow. Thank God. I don't wanna lose your love tonight, Gordon.

No. No Times Ten. CC Said.

Yankees - 5
White Sox - 2

Yankees' ace CC Sabathia, he of the TALL and the FAT (6'7", 290 lbs.), struck out ten of the twenty-nine Sox batters he faced through 7 innings. He gave up his fair share of hits, but only allowed 2 runs. All non-Yankees fans are anxiously awaiting the onset of his diabetes.

Again, the Sox failed to give a starter run support after a quality start. It's getting really, really old. Sorry, Buehrle.

Sox catcher Ramon Castro managed to squeeze his way into Yankees' right fielder Nick Swisher's busy schedule, and was gunned out at home in between Swisher's 6 p.m. tip-frosting appointment and his regularly-scheduled 10 p.m. "watch me act like the biggest douchebag in history" jam session in the Yankees clubhouse. Nice to see you're bouncing back from that career-worst season you had there, Nick... last year. For us. Dick.

The game went to ten, and in came Randy Williams to pitch for the Sox. Naturally, ol' Randy let two on, and then Robinson Cano sent the game-winning dinger way out into the right center bleachers. With every appearance he makes, I'm becoming more and more convinced that our scouts discovered Williams while he was throwing his own shit against a wall backstage at a Rascal Flatts concert, or something.

Amen.

-=-=-

Tomorrow's White Sox starter = TBA? Contreras? Looks like I'll be drinking.