APOCALYPSE NOW

After two years of mind-numbing South Side baseball intrigue leaving me without 90% of my frontal lobe and equally impotent, I have returned to declare that the end is near. The kingdom is most surely at hand. Is it any coincidence that 2012, long-speculated as having some sort of apocalyptic meaning, is going to feature a White Sox team with the projected lead-off hitter being Alejandro De Aza (92.5% impotent now)? When a Mayan worker finished chiseling "2011" into a stone slab, was he suddenly overcome by the feeling that his eyes were being stabbed with a thousand needles as he saw THIS vision?

So much time has passed that I do not even know where to begin attempting to catch up. Suffice it to say, Kenny Williams' choices of 2009- the Alex Rios waiver claim and the Jake Peavy trade- have left the Sox in a handcuffed position. In the case of Rios, $22.7M has been paid to him for a .685 OPS thus far, with another $37M coming before 2015 and a $1M team buyout kicks in. Alex Rios' contract would be more suitable for the NBA, it is so shitty. Peavy, the human embodiment of Roy Oswalt's bulldozer, has been paid $31M over two injury-riddled years. He has another $17M coming to him for this season, after which he will be eligible for a $4M buyout. In the case of both these players, I hope that the Sox have the common sense to cut ties with these albatrosses and move on. Paying out $5M between the two will save roughly $30.5M in cash.

Moving on to other shitty things, the present White Sox 40-man roster makes me want to immediately place my genitals on a car battery. Here is the rundown, with omissions for the pitchers on the 40-man- some things are better unseen. You're welcome.

Starting Pitchers:

1. John Danks
2. Jake Peavy
3. Gavin Floyd
4. Chris Sale
5. Phil Humber

Zach Stewart (long-relief candidate capable of spot starts)

Relief Pitchers:

1. Jesse Crain
2. Matt Thornton
3. Addison Reed
4. Will Ohman
5. ?
6. ?
7. LRP - Zach Stewart? / Dylan Axelrod? / Hector Santiago?

Projected Lineup:

1. Alejandro De Aza LF
2. Alexei Ramirez SS
3. Paul Konerko 1B
4. Adam Dunn DH
5. Dayan Viciedo RF
6. A.J. Pierzynski C
7. Brent Morel 3B
8. Alex Rios CF
9. Gordon Beckham 2B

Bench:

1. Eduardo Escobar IF
2. Osvaldo Martinez IF
3. Brent Lillibridge IF/OF
4. Tyler Flowers C

The rapture is coming. Bring it.

Late Night Excitement's in the Air!

Too bad it has nothing to do with White Sox baseball. For some unknown reason, I'm up following tonight's installment of "Crumbling Season Theatre"... it's now going into the bottom of the 13th inning, 3-3, and the Sox haven't scored since... the 2nd inning.

So far, the Sox have thrown: Freddy Garcia, Matt Thornton, Tony Pena, Bobby Jenks, and Octavio Dotel. Pena gave up the tying run in the 8th. Asshole. I hope Kenny was looking good and deep into the crystal ball when he coughed up Brandon Allen for you, Mr. Pena. So far, you've pretty much made me feel like I'm suffering from all the expected symptoms following a severe overindulgence in buffalo wings. Drippy. Burnt. Not good.

WELL I'LL BE! As I write this, good readers, AJ Pierzynski has just doubled off of the wall in left center to bring Alexei Ramirez in for the game-winning run! I guess good things do come to those who wait! Let's make it official:

White Sox - 4
Athletics - 3

On the night, the positives included Freddy Garcia having another strong outing for himself (6 IP, 5 H, 2 ER)... according to Sox beat reporter Joe Cowley, Garcia's posted a 3.33 ERA in his last 4 starts- 2 of which have been against Boston and New York. I agree with Cowley's assessment that it would be worthwhile for the Sox to pick up Freddy's option for next year. Hell, it can't be worse than Bartolo Colon or Esteban Loaiza, right? Let's just make sure that the clubhouse is well-stocked with towels, because nobody sweats more than Freddy Garcia. Nobody.

Okay, well, pretty much nobody.

Scott Podsednik, determined to make me look like an asshole, had a 4-hit night for himself. Good, you dick. I'm glad that you're tearing the cover off of the ball right now. You go and get that platoon role locked up for yourself in '10! Just don't forget how to field while you're busy hitting so much! I kid, I kid.

Negatives: Alex Rios dropped a Scott Hairston pop fly for his 2nd error of the year in the top of the 13th. Know your role, Rios. The bumbling of routine fly balls is reserved for those whose last names end in the suffix "odsednik". Actually, that's not really fair. Bad outfield play is reserved for anyone who plays left field in Chicago. Except Sam Fuld, apparently. That dude eats brick walls like Napoleon ate the Ziggy Pig in "Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure." Awesome.

Jermaine Dye went 0-for-6 at the dish tonight. Ouch. Ouch, as in "Ouch! I just gnawed off my own leg to get out of this beartrap!" JD is seemingly determined to play his way right off of this team- a large accomplishment considering every member has more or less played their own weight in buffalo chips over the past month. That's right. We're getting all Oregon Trail up in this bitch, and Jermaine Dye just came down with measles after fording the Snake River. I don't expect to see the Sox picking up the Dye option for next year. It's too bad to think that this is how Jermaine's going to end his Sox days. That's baseball, I suppose.

-=-=-

Next Up:

White Sox @ Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. Floyd v. Saunders. I'm not being sarcastic; I'm gonna make a point to catch that one just to watch the starters.