Beer Is Always Worth It.

Another great article in today's Wall St Journal, which is quickly becoming the Freakonomics of baseball, or at least it's Farmer's almanac. WSJ looks at beer prices, and whether or not a team's winning percentage has an effect on them. Well?

Surprisingly, it does. A team with a .600 winning percentage charges, on average, about $1.30 more for a 16-ounce beer than does a team with a .400 percentage.

According to this article, Cubs fans should be getting happy hour prices.

Late Night Excitement's in the Air!

Too bad it has nothing to do with White Sox baseball. For some unknown reason, I'm up following tonight's installment of "Crumbling Season Theatre"... it's now going into the bottom of the 13th inning, 3-3, and the Sox haven't scored since... the 2nd inning.

So far, the Sox have thrown: Freddy Garcia, Matt Thornton, Tony Pena, Bobby Jenks, and Octavio Dotel. Pena gave up the tying run in the 8th. Asshole. I hope Kenny was looking good and deep into the crystal ball when he coughed up Brandon Allen for you, Mr. Pena. So far, you've pretty much made me feel like I'm suffering from all the expected symptoms following a severe overindulgence in buffalo wings. Drippy. Burnt. Not good.

WELL I'LL BE! As I write this, good readers, AJ Pierzynski has just doubled off of the wall in left center to bring Alexei Ramirez in for the game-winning run! I guess good things do come to those who wait! Let's make it official:

White Sox - 4
Athletics - 3

On the night, the positives included Freddy Garcia having another strong outing for himself (6 IP, 5 H, 2 ER)... according to Sox beat reporter Joe Cowley, Garcia's posted a 3.33 ERA in his last 4 starts- 2 of which have been against Boston and New York. I agree with Cowley's assessment that it would be worthwhile for the Sox to pick up Freddy's option for next year. Hell, it can't be worse than Bartolo Colon or Esteban Loaiza, right? Let's just make sure that the clubhouse is well-stocked with towels, because nobody sweats more than Freddy Garcia. Nobody.

Okay, well, pretty much nobody.

Scott Podsednik, determined to make me look like an asshole, had a 4-hit night for himself. Good, you dick. I'm glad that you're tearing the cover off of the ball right now. You go and get that platoon role locked up for yourself in '10! Just don't forget how to field while you're busy hitting so much! I kid, I kid.

Negatives: Alex Rios dropped a Scott Hairston pop fly for his 2nd error of the year in the top of the 13th. Know your role, Rios. The bumbling of routine fly balls is reserved for those whose last names end in the suffix "odsednik". Actually, that's not really fair. Bad outfield play is reserved for anyone who plays left field in Chicago. Except Sam Fuld, apparently. That dude eats brick walls like Napoleon ate the Ziggy Pig in "Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure." Awesome.

Jermaine Dye went 0-for-6 at the dish tonight. Ouch. Ouch, as in "Ouch! I just gnawed off my own leg to get out of this beartrap!" JD is seemingly determined to play his way right off of this team- a large accomplishment considering every member has more or less played their own weight in buffalo chips over the past month. That's right. We're getting all Oregon Trail up in this bitch, and Jermaine Dye just came down with measles after fording the Snake River. I don't expect to see the Sox picking up the Dye option for next year. It's too bad to think that this is how Jermaine's going to end his Sox days. That's baseball, I suppose.

-=-=-

Next Up:

White Sox @ Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. Floyd v. Saunders. I'm not being sarcastic; I'm gonna make a point to catch that one just to watch the starters.

Never Trust Dudes In White Shoes

Athletics - 11
White Sox - 3

As if the last series versus a playoff contending team hadn't actually happened, the White Sox came out in the first game versus the visiting Oakland Athletics with about as much grace as this, minus the UN referencing in faux-Ivy League tonality... but definitely, definitely just as awkward and painful to take in.

The hapless A's (62-76) hung 20 hits up on the Sox pitchers tonight. All six of the miserable bastards. Our pitchers were more run-prone tonight than a tourist with irritable bowel syndrome pounding Mexican tap water by the gallon. The A's 6-9 batters, who average about .252, had 8 hits. Ex-Sox Ryan Sweeney had a good day for himself, going 4-for-6 and scoring three times. My brain hurts.

What goes up... must come down. Carlos Torres, who shut out the Cubs and limited them to 5 hits in his last start, was pulled tonight after just 2 outs. Torres let in 5 earned runs off of 4 hits and a walk, which forced Ozzie Guillen to go to his rented mule (DJ Carrasco) in the top of the 1st. Not good. Carrasco, who has been one of the more dependable arms out of the 'pen this year, just... wasn't there tonight. By the time that DJ's stats were closed out for the night, the Sox trailed 8-0.

From there, the revolving door to the bullpen just kept spinning. Surprisingly, only 3 more runs were allowed past the 4th inning for Oakland. I'd chalk it up to wanting to hurry things up so they can go clubbing with Cutler and Greg Olsen.

Offensively, the only bright spots were a 2-run homer by Mark Kotsay in the 4th and a solo shot by Paul Konerko in the 6th.

Tonight's "Let's Make an Error!" winner: Alexei Ramirez - #18 of the year. Sigh... Derek Jeter's made seven this year, and he's got herpes.

Oh, and just to make tonight's loss a little sweeter? Both the Tigers and Twins lost. Not that we need to... win... or anything...

Labor Pains

Voila! There's the offense! The White Sox had a good home series versus the Wild Card leading Boston Red Sox, winning 3 of the 4 contests over the Labor Day weekend. This thumping of the Beantown fucks comes just over a week after they punished an extremely underperforming White Sox club in the pinball machine that is Fenway Park. This much-needed retribution leads me to the ask the inevitable question:

How you like them apples, Matt Damon?

Red Sox starting pitcher Paul Byrd, opting to add "White Sox lineup" to the list of his personal struggles somewhere in between "pornography" and "using enough HGH to stay competitive but not enough to make my testicles atrophy", let in 7 runs in his start at US Cellular Field. Hey, Paul? The Warren Spahn windup thing was neat the first few years you did it and all, but... it's not holding water. Perhaps that's why pitching technique evolved beyond windmilling your arms willy-nilly and high-kicking your lead foot like a jackass? Here's a thought: put down the vintage nudie mags, and talk to your pitching coach. Or, just keep struggling with your porn. I don't care. Either way, you're ugly and you suck. White Sox 12, Boston 1.

In game 2, Gavin Floyd up and decided to set a career-high for himself in strikeouts, fanning 11 BoSox batters in 8 full innings. Everyone's goin' to Sha-Booms! White Sox 5, Red Sox 1.

Game 3 was a classic letdown. Johnny Danks only let in 3 runs over 7 innings, but then Octavio Dotel couldn't make it to the locker room before he filled his own drawers up with steaming diarrhea. No run support for Danks. Again. I don't know if John Danks can afford to look more pissed. Red Sox 6, White Sox 1.

Game 4 was a classic Mark Buehrle performance; aka "I'm gonna let on plenty of runners, but somehow I'm gonna manage to squeak out of every situation and let in one run." After Buehrle's month and a half long hangover following El Perfecto, it was a welcome sight. I mean, there's a lot in my book that you're entitled to after throwing a perfect game, but I was starting to worry. White Sox 5, Boston 1.

-=-=-

Next up, 2 games versus the Oakland A's, who we've struggled with this year. Trap series, anyone?

Injury Update: Gordon Beckham pulled an oblique muscle in the Saturday game vs. Boston, and is supposedly on track to be back in tomorrow. Thank God. I don't wanna lose your love tonight, Gordon.

Manic Panic

WGN Radio's Dave Kaplan blogged the following headline yesterday: "The Cubs Need to Sign the #1 Free Agent This Winter" Nice! You got me, Kap. We totally do! We should sign Adam LaRoche. Or maybe go out on a limb and sign Manny Ramirez with that Ricketts $$. There are a lot of Scott Boras clients out there this year, but we can file down his horns and low-ball. It's the economy, stupid! So I clicked thru, and immediately smelled sulfur and heard the gnashing of teeth....



LARUSSA!

Tony LaRussa coaching the Cubs? I've heard stranger suggestions, but not many. This is a man who made his dark, evil bones painting targets on the backs of Cubs batters, and never passed up the opportunity to rush the field and chest bump/swear at Cubs skippers, especially Dusty. There were some EPIC Dusty/LaRussa battles; battles that rivaled Ali-Frazier, Maris-Mantle, Frost-Nixon, and Pedro-Zimmer. These meetings of the mind (and ass) were often so heated that the deciding factor was usually who could chew a toothpick the hardest.

Now I'm not one of those stupid baseball fans who refuse to have anything to do with players/coaches from rival teams (see: the stupidity level of the ongoing Yanks/Bo'Sox "If you leave me for them you're dead to us" crap). I'm all for making the Cubs better, and I have to say, I think the addition of Tony LaRussa and (even better) Dave Duncan would make us a World Series contender off the bat. Duncan has been able to wring pure gold out of jobbers like Joel Pineiro, so imagine what he could do with a rotation of Zambrano, Ted Lilly, Randy Wells, Jeff Smardjiza, etc.

Plus, as much as I love Lou, we all know he's checked out. He's counting down days in between paychecks, trying new recipes, drinking Singapore Slings, etc. The fire has gone out. It's no one's fault, Lou baby. It's not you, it's us. It's not us, it's you, whatever. We just want you to know how important your friendship is to us, and whatever happens, we don't want to screw that up. We're just in different places right now. Plus, you fucked our ex-girlfriend, and that's just not cool and you know it. Hope we're cool, though. Check out this year's model:

Walk the Plank, You Loser

Cubs - 4
Pirates - 2

Ted Lilly and Derek Lee formed like a two-lion Voltron (Red and Black, natch) to dispatch the Pirates this afternoon, in what was a rainy, sludgy, affair that meant nothing to no one but radio producers on rain delay duty (*ahem*) and long-suffering Pirates fans, the latter of which now have the dubious title of MOST LOSINGNESS BASEBALL FANS EVER. 17 straight seasons of losing ball, and oh what a ride it's been! Here's some things that have happened since the last time the Bucs finished above .500:

• Fall of Apartheid


• Collapse of the Soviet Union


• mp3s, ipods, etc


• The time I drank a bunch of Apple Pucker and puked in the bushes

I really, truly do feel bad for the fans, who've dealt with white flag season after white flag season. The Bucs are perpetually stocked with great farm kids, who are cherry picked at will, often by teams in the NL Central! The Cubs have turned it into an artform, absconding with Aramis Ramirez, Tom Gorzelanny, Randall Simon ,etc. Ok, so maybe Randall Simon doesn't belong on that list, but dude smacked that sausage, and would hit 700 ft homers onto Waveland. The hero of my summer, 2003:

Part of me feels bad that Bucs fans have to put up with the indignity of their mascot being co-opted by shitty, kickball-playing hipsters. Although the Pirate vs Ninja thing has died down in the past couple years, it's stain on pop-culture remains, like a dirty brackish line on the wall of McCarren Park Pool. Yeah, living in Pittsburgh would suck unless you're Michael Chabon or Ben Huck-It-Chuck-It Football, but no one should have to be embarrassed of their baseball mascot due to human garbage like this:

This was the team of Clemente, Stargell, Bonilla, Bonds, etc. Take back your pride, people of the 'burgh. Dan and I will help, if you want. We're free.

New Yuck

The Cubs hope to capitalize on their momentus, chillbump-inducing brand of total team baseball Orbitz travel points as they head east to beautiful new Citi Field to play the godawful NY Mets, whose only bit of good news is getting David Wright back from injury.

Anyone who listens to Pat and Ron call games on the 50,000 watt blowtorch, WGN Radio 720, knows that Ronnie has no love for the Mets, and hated every second of every minute spent in Shea Stadium due to bad food, bad vibes, and a torched toupe. My Dad went to Shea a couple of times to see the Cubs, and verified that it was indeed a rat-hole, and staffed with zombie-eyed Queens residents, one of whom flat out rejected my Dad's request for a hot dog. It went something like this:

Dad: "Um, hello. Let me just get a hot dog and a beer."

Woman working concessions: "No."

Dad: "What? No?"

Woman: "We ain't got none"

Dad: "Ain't got none of what? The beer or the hot dog?"

Woman: "Yeah"

Dad: "Well, which one is it?"

Woman: "Both"

This exchange sums up Shea nicely, I think. And that big dumb Apple.

I'm out of town this weekend, but I'll try to check in with the usual pinpoint analysis of America's Team.

To everyone in NYC: you think you're cool, but your town smells like hot garbage. You have soul-sucking new media jobs that require you to attend themed parties. You make $80 K a year, but you live in a Park Slope walk-up with 5 roommates and still struggle with the rent. You and your friends are all morally bankrupt, and all the cocaine and PBR in the world won't keep the demons from clawing your eyes out on your deathbed.

"The Grass Was Too Big"

White Sox - 5
Cubs - 0

The Chicago White Sox didn't seem to win yesterday's game so much as the Chicago Cubs seemed to lose it. In particular, a certain left fielder seemed to take it upon himself to shoot his own team in the foot whenever he got the chance.

The free-swinging, jumping-while-catching Alfonso Soriano went 0-for-4 on the day at the plate, striking out three times. In the top of the 8th inning, with the Sox leading 1-0, he botched a routine fly ball off the bat of AJ Pierzynski. Gordon Beckham scored from first base as a result of the error, and when the dust settled, Pierzynski stood on third with nobody out. Pierzynski scored later in the inning to put the Sox up 3-0; Soriano's error was clearly the play of the game.

Soriano's explanation: "I tried to catch the ball after I lost my balance, but I think the grass was too big. I'm not making an excuse, but that was the first time it happened where I slipped trying to catch the ball."

Wait, what? I'm sorry. Did you just say that... the grass... was too big? I don't even know where to begin to addressing that. Secondly- and Jarrett probably has a better estimate on this one than I do- I'm sure that this wasn't the first time that Soriano has slipped trying to catch a ball. Just say it: "I overran the ball after misjudging it and couldn't recover. I made a mistake. I need to work on my outfielding technique." You know, take some responsibility for your own actions. Or, just blame it on the grass... being too big. Whatever floats your boat.

To cap off his big day, and as if knowing that I were going to write this piece, Soriano struck out swinging to end the game. He fanned on the third consecutive curveball he was fed... anyone wanna bet what the scouting reports say about how to pitch to Fonsie?

Poor Lou. No wonder he looks and acts so defeated all of the time. Listen to him talk about the loss here... he seems so resigned to his fate. Before, I just kinda thought he was slipping in his old age, and losing some of the notorious edge that he once possessed. But I'm beginning to believe that Lou, having been a major league outfielder for his entire career (and on some damn fine teams) is literally dying as a result of observing the Jim Hendry assemblage of outfielders. I mean, the corner positions are both manned by designated hitters who can't field a lick, to whom $111 million dollars are going after this year. That doesn't even factor in the Fukudome signing, where Hendry gave big-time money to a completely unproven player- to the tune of $26.5 million through 2012. That's an awful lot of bad, in total- $137.5 million dollars' worth. When Hendry inked these contracts, I bet his desk was too big.

Way to be, Jim Hendry. You're killing Sweet Lou.

-=-=-

Tonight's Sox Matchup: Boston

Pitchers: Paul Byrd (1-0, 0.00) v. Freddy Garcia (0-2, 5.94)

Never Mind.

I'd Rather Be Bowhunting

One of my absolute favorite things about baseball players, and something I often forget about, is the fact that these guys are jocks, and a good majority of them enjoy doing burly, jockish things in their downtime. Ask Dan--I LOVE talking about some of the more redneckish behavior. It's like watching a dog whose bred for doing a certain task. Much like a collie has eons of herding instincts in him, Josh Beckett has an unseen hand guiding him to pound Coors Original while bowhunting for turkeys and turning over ATVs.

Cubs pregame host Judd Sirott (nephew of Bob) just interviewed Addison's own version of a calendar fireman, Micah Hoffpauir, and we learned the following:

• In the offseason, he is obsessed with duck hunting
• He is "addicted" to hunting TV shows
• His wife rags on him for watching the Sportsman Channel all day (motto: "All Hunting, All The Time")

I think I love him 10x more, though I think Lou needs to get Clint Barmes on the horn so we can get Micah some proper training in carrying deer meet up a flight of stairs.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Wall St Journal had a great article today about basball's "Chattiest TV Announcers", based off how many words per minute they speak. Vin Scully ranks first. No suprise there, as Vin runs that solo. Dan McLaughin, the asshat Cardinals broadcaster, ranks 2nd. Len Kasper and Hawk Harrelson were almost a dead heat, with Len belting out 71.5 wpm, and Hawk uttering 70.9. Check the list out here.

And lastly, congrats to Derek Lee on the birth of his his second child. As much as I love Micah, Derek has been our rock for the past 5 years, and he deserves another big payday from someone, if not the Cubs.

In Summation

Let's Dance

Time to get your hair "set", ladies. Tomorrow's the "big day" that we've been waiting for since June 16th. The rain-postponed finale to the 2009 edition of the Crosstown Classic is set to pop at 1:20pm locally within the Friendly Confines of Wrigley Field. I, for one, can't... wait?

On June 16th, when this game was supposed to be played, the Cubs were out of first place in the NL Central by 4.5 games. The Sox were 3 back of the Tigers. I wish that were still the case, because it would place some semblance of meaning upon this game, other than the typical chest-beating and "pride" issues that seem to fester deep within the populace (thank you, ESPN). As it stands, however, the living dead that make up Chicago baseball stand a collective 17.5 games out of first. That's right, I just made up a "united, we suck" stat. Bill James, eat your little heart out.

This year was a new experience for me with regards to the whole Cubs/Sox thing. For the first time, I can actually say that I was over it. Sure, watching the Sox beat the Cubs makes me happy, happier than most victories- but I'm not finding much enjoyment in spewing Cubs hatred anymore. That's because, when you get to the bottom of it, you're dealing with two mediocre clubs who aren't going to do a damn thing in October*... other than fish or golf. Interleague games tend to have zero bearing on much of anything, so what incentive am I given to actually care about the outcome? If the Sox swept the Cubs this year in Interleague play, would they suck any less? All that matters is World Series rings.

One aspect of the Crosstown rivalry which I will always enjoy watching is the dynamic of AJ Pierzynski versus Cubs fans. Lots of booing, jeering, and *actual* hatred flies out of the seats towards AJ... and he just thrives on it. One reason that I like AJ Pierzynski is because sometimes, it's really fun to get behind the bad guy. And, for the record, Michael Barrett is still a chump for that sucker punch, and I'm glad that Zambrano dotted both his eyes, tossed his bitch ass face-first into a locker, and knocked him unconscious... after which Barrett was admitted to Northwestern Hospital to undergo CAT scans to ensure that he hadn't sustained any permanent brain damage from the beatdown. he's a nice young man who should do very well for himself in a new playing environment. Nothing to see here. Keep it moving, people!

The Sox come into the makeup game after a miserable road trip in which they went 2-8. In the last month, the Sox have been dead last in batting average (.239 as a team). The Pittsburgh Pirates are the only other team in the Majors with a problem of that magnitude; they're actually tied point-for-point with the Sox in their pathetic output. To be honest, however, both the Sox and Cubs have spent the last month playing like shit... the Cubs just seem to be playing slightly less like shit than their friends down 90/94 have been.

And hey- pitching fun! It's Ryan Dempster (4.15 ERA 149.2 IP) vs. (gulp) Carlos Torres (6.75 ERA 9.1 IP)!

Predictions: Since negative scoring does not exist in baseball, I'm unable to predict an outcome for tomorrow. I predict that fans of both teams will, at multiple points in the game, want to hang themselves. In short, the game should ideally serve as a microcosm of one of the more frustrating Chicago baseball seasons in recent memory. Probably something like 3-1, flip a coin for the winner. I don't even care anymore.

* - If there were an all-Chicago World Series, I would find myself flipping squad cars and smashing out store windows up and down the Magnificent Mile with the rest of you pagans.

-=-=-

Oh yeah, I forgot my game summary of the dramatic 9th inning win over the Twins today:

Sox - 4 Twins - 2

We actually got to Joe Nathan, and we actually won in the Metrodome in Twins-like fashion.

Too little, too late.

Goodnight room, goodnight moon, goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight light and the red balloon. Goodnight bears, goodnight chairs, goodnight kittens, and goodnight mittens. Goodnight clocks and goodnight socks, goodnight strange multipurpose stadium.

Ted Lilly Will Mangle Your Soul

Cubs - 4
Astros -1



WILD CARD BOUND!


Rick Telander (who "calls it as he sees it", which is daring) has a piece in today's Sun Crimes about the twin failures of Chicago '09. This is lazy journalism at it's finest: bitching about the Cubs and the Sox fading yet again, boring quotes from the coaches, etc...oh wait. Ok. I'm back on the posi-train from here on out. Blue skies and sing alongs.

Randy Wells pitched well last night, as he does against the Strohs (14 scoreless innings in two previous starts against Houston), striking out four and allowing one unearned run despite allowing 7 hits. Wells also became the first Cubs rookie in over 10 years to win 10 games, and has truly been a bright spot for us this year. Cubs fans expected Jeff Samardzija to become our own Joba Chamberlin, but he obviously needs some more work, and as Gordon Wittmeyer points out, he's going to get it, along with other Cubbie future arms Jeff Stevens, Justin Berg, and TOTAL STUDS Micah Hoffpauir and Andres Blanco. I love Derek Lee like he's a member of my family, but Hoffpauir is the 1st baseman of the future, and the sooner we all realize that, the better. And no, this is not a repeat of Hee Seop Choi, but thanks for asking. And no, this is not a repeat of Hee Seop Choi, but thanks for asking. See what I did there? Head injury.

Last game of the series with Houston today, and we've got Lilly pitching. Allow me to opine for a minute. When Jim Hendry signed Ted Lilly in the '07 offseason, I was slightly skeptical. Here was a middle-of-the-road guy, not exactly a spring chicken, who was mostly known for getting into a bit of the old pugilistic arts with then Blue Jays' skipper John Gibbons, who had taken him out of a game when Lilly wasn't ready to leave. We kept hearing that we were either going to sign Lilly or Gil Meche, which is sort of like being really hungry on a road trip and having to choose between a scary offramp Applebee's or a Speedway hot dog. But you have to eat, and we had to sign a pitcher. Hendry manned up and signed Lilly from a hospital bed, a heroic task that has been eroded from our collective memories, and for the past three years we've been rewarded with a steely-eyed, hard-nosed pitcher who consistently nets 12 or more wins, whips lollipop curveballs like water balloons, and is the TRUE anchor of the rotation. The guy you knew could come in the day after a Zambrano meltdown and throw 7 innings of 3-hit, 1 run ball. The stopper. All this despite Cubs hitters falling down on their faces every time he pitches. Seriously, Google "Ted Lilly Run Support" and check out how many articles and game recaps pop up detailing "gutsy" Lilly performances with zero run support. There almost needs to be a statistic named after him in Baseball Prospectus.

So, Ted. Thanks. I'm glad we got you, and not Gil Meche. What kind of name is Gil Meche, anyways?

Let's send the Astros and Roy Oswalt home on his stupid fucking bulldozer.

Tomorrow is the unneccessary Cubs-Sox make-up game REDLINE CLASSIC!

Run Up The White Flag! (Trib Rxns 9/2)

Q: What do you call a dick with no foresight?

A: Rick Morrissey.

In his latest contribution to the cess pool of bad sports writing, Tribune columnist Rick Morrissey has accused White Sox GM Kenny Williams of "running with (his) tail between (his) legs", and of being a "traitor."

Morrissey also likens Monday's trades of Thome and Contreras to the now-infamous 1997 "White Flag Trade", where the Sox traded away 3 good pitchers for 6 minor league prospects at 3.5 games out of first place on July 31 of that year. My question to Rick Morrissey is "have you been watching the last 20 games, at all?" This is the worst fielding team that I have ever seen. They're not coming back. They aren't hitting. They aren't doing anything to back up quality starts from their pitching staff. John Danks, going into last night's game, hadn't lost in 5 starts... but he hadn't won a game either.

Where do you think that the Peavy & Rios money comes from? Do you honestly think that Sox fans, who actually take pride in NOT showing up to support shitty teams, are going to come out in record numbers after this latest road swing? Kenny had no choice but to offload as much money as he could. In all likelihood, Thome wasn't being brought back next year... Contreras definitely wasn't. So where in this do you see anything remotely resembling a "white flag"? It's simple economics.

For the record, they're holding a poll on the Tribune's website asking the question "Does Monday's trade of Jim Thome and Jose Contreras compare to the 1997 White Flag trade when the Sox traded Wilson Alvarez, Danny Darwin and Roberto Hernandez to the Giants?" The poll results: 5618 responses- 85.3% say "No", 14.7% vote "Yes". Clearly, I'm not the only baseball fan who thinks that Rick Morrissey is full of shit.

Even Phil "Exposed Dong" Rogers got in on the act yesterday, questioning Williams' off season moves and speculating the effect that they'd have had on this year's White Sox:

"But where would they be if they had 11 wins from Javier Vazquez, 22 home runs from Nick Swisher or hundreds of grounders fielded cleanly by Orlando Cabrera, Joe Crede or Juan Uribe? Those were the veterans Williams discarded after last season, when he quietly cut the payroll by about $25 million." Okay. Let's break this little gem down.

1. After watching Vazquez crap his own pants in seemingly every outing at the tail end of last year, there's no way that the Sox would/could bring him back. The guy was jokingly nicknamed "Big Game Javy" specifically because he sucked in the clutch, and proved it in the playoffs last year. The public outcry to get Javy out of a Sox uniform, one which I'll stand by and say was extremely justified, was far too loud for Kenny to ignore; I'm sure that Kenny even agreed. The returns weren't even half bad- we got a gem of a catching prospect (Tyler Flowers) and a touted, albeit serviceable in reality, middle infielder (Brent Lillibridge) for Vazquez.
   
2. Nick Swisher? He actually pouted about lack of playing time when they brought in Griffey Jr. last year. A grown-ass man, pouting like it's the Little League World Series. Pouting while sucking shit at a .219 clip. Stretch, Phil Rogers. Gitonback.
   
3. Orlando Cabrera called the press box in Toronto last year from his cell phone, in the dugout, to command the official game scorer to reverse his decision on an error. Remember when Jermaine Dye almost ripped Cabrera's face off with his bare hands? Remember when Cabrera played for 6 different teams in the last 6 years, because his teammates generally seem to think he's an asshole? I sure do.
4. Joe Crede. I love Joe Crede. However, Joe Crede's back is totally screwed, and he's played in 88 games this year. Phil? Hello?
5. You're pining after Juan fucking Uribe? Seriously?

I think that I subscribe to the Tribune because, at some base level, I must enjoy the anguish of reading what these idiots have to say. I can hardly wait to read the workmanship surrounding the Cubs/Sox game tomorrow.

SHIT'S FUCKING DOOMED

Twins - 4
White Sox - 3

The Sox batters failed to hit some dude named "Jeff Manship" today, and Jon Rauch picked up the win for the Twins after they tallied a run in the bottom of the 9th. John... Rauch... I think I might... puke.

No... Wait... Nope. I'm good. No. Wait a second here.

Yep. I definitely vomited in my own mouth.

Beckham and Alexei decided they wanted to hit it long today. Live the dream.

GRINDER RULE #67: the less baserunners you have on for a home run, the better.

As further evidence of the impending end of days, Podsednik made a great catch on a scalded gapper hit back towards the right centerfield wall, outstretching at full extension and sliding on his stomach after he snagged the ball. He also got on base three times and stole hisself a bag. In further developments, he proceeded to douche a routine fly ball because he lost it in the ceiling. So, in total, he can go fuck himself.

Somebody please explain this to me: if these games are taking place in a climate-controlled environment, how can it consistently rain shit whenever the White Sox play there?

Their Words, Not Mine 9/1

I'm officially in offseason fan mode. Calling you out: Carrie Muskat, Phil Rogers, et al for shit like "Not Trading Harden a Sign Cubs Going For Wild Card", and those old MLB commercials chastising woebegone fans of teams out of contention for not being "real" and watching the playoffs. I love baseball, I watch the playoffs, but my team's not going to be in it, so pardon me if I don't carve out time out of my busy black magicking schedule to watch the LA Angels of Anaheim Disney, CA play the Yankees. No one should have to watch that. As such, I'm starting a new daily feature called "Their Words, Not Mine", wherein I post a quote from an athlete (not just MLB'ers) that is:

1. Batshit crazy
2. Swaggerific
3. Something that makes Dan and I laugh.

For the inagural edition, a bon mot from the Duke of Language, former Jailblazer himself, Rasheed Wallace:

"Some people say I'm mean and this and that. On one hand that's cool. That keeps away all the riffraff and all the bugaboos"

Clearing the Cuban Smoke

While I agree that Sox fans have, by and large, been unnecessarily brutal in their treatment of Jose Contreras as he does the walk of shame to the Mile High City, I personally haven't put much stock into the situation since 2006. I was in the camp thinking that it's best that Contreras should go, and as soon as possible. I'm over the moon that we were able to get anything back for him, as I would've been satisfied with a simple release and the subsequent loosening of the salary cap belt alone.

As far as this year, and according to many sports outlets, Contreras hurried back from a speculated career-ending injury and arrived "more fit than he's ever been" to training camp, apparently having lost 30 lbs. He was in phenomenal shape- the "best of his life"- his stuff was snapping, and he had gotten mentally beyond the messy divorce proceedings which had supposedly mentally bogged him down over the past two years. Sounds like someone who's set up to succeed!

I think, if anything, that having to hear all of this business regarding a possible "Renaissance d' Contreras" on a daily basis, over and over, from the local media may have instilled the Sox fan base with extremely high, and somewhat unreasonable, expectations of what they'd be getting from Contreras this year.

Personally, I think he was C-. I didn't expect A+. What indicator did I have to tell me he was capable of sustaining himself at 2005 levels again? He did okay. That last Red Sox loss of his was pretty much because he couldn't field a dribbler, and had very little to do with his pitching. I wasn't at all overwhelmed by Contreras, I never had pinned any hopes on his shoulders. I invested about as much energy into Jose as I did in Lance Broadway, Freddie Garcia, Aaron Poreda, Charlie Haeger, Bartolo Colon, or any number of equivalent AAAA pitchers who grace the #4-#5 spot in the rotation at random intervals.

If Buehrle, Floyd, or Danks went and gave me Contreras 2009 numbers, I'd be pissed. I don't know why anyone is pissed at Contreras. Granted, he sucked this year. But what else do you expect from a guy coming off of a crippling leg injury who doesn't actually know how old he is?

Now, I love Ozzie Guillen and his candid way. I think it's fantastic. I just think that his comments regarding Contreras over the past week, coupled with the trade, and then add in a sprinkling of a road trip that has been more of a death march... it was bad timing and just made for a mob scene. It's not Ozzie's fault, it's just reactionary fans flipping out at the precise moment when their team has lost its grip on staying competitive for the year.

In short, I'm quite grateful to Jose Contreras for his hefty contribution to the 2005 World Series squad, and for his lights-out-siness over the 2006 season. Without that pitching staff, there certainly would be no championship coming to 35th. I feel badly that someone who played a heavy part in one of the proudest moments in the history of the White Sox had to go out in the dwindling, injury-plagued way... with the sharks circling and the vultures pecking at him on his way out... but, that's unfortunately the nature of humanity and, in particular, the entertainment industry. I'd say "I'll miss you, Jose," but the fact of the matter is that I've been missing Jose Contreras since 2006.


So come on and get yourself an "Addison to 35th" hug, Jose.

Alright. I guess you can too, Pablo Ozuna.

-=-=-=-

Satisfied, Jarrett? That should learn me real good to never bring up Chad Gaudin's facial hair. Not ever again.

Speaking Out of Turn

Because Dan made fun of Chad Gaudin's facial creature earlier, (once a Cub, always a Cub. Always exceptions) I'm going to say something here about Jose Contreras. He's the one on the right.

Yeah he sucked this year. I understand. But Jesus Christ, you guys were BRUTAL on him. And believe me, I know the story. I spent years waiting on the former glories of Mark Prior and Kerry Wood to reignite to no avail. But at the same time, neither of those two guys were linchpins in a World Series champion like Young Jose was. Now I know I don't watch Woe'Sox games as close as I do Cubs games, but I just feel like he shouldn't have gotten the bonus kick in the ass he's gotten while being thrown out the door. There's something to be said about respect due and loyalty to a guy that, despite oddities and indescretions, helped bring rings to a Chicago baseball team for the first time in decades. Dan, please prove me wrong.

Only One Good Thing Comes From Texas: Me

Astros - 5

Cubs - 3

Carlos Lee and the Cub-killing Astros took another one from us last night, adding to the freefall of epic proportions. This isn't quite as bad as the unraveling of '05, because we were closer to the grail back then, and Dusty Baker was making some of the stupidest managerial decisions I've ever seen as a baseball fan. The fact that he and Dick Pole are poisoning the once up-and-coming Reds keeps me warm and the demons away when I'm trying to fall asleep at night. I honestly don't know how you can mismanage a team that includes Joey Votto, Jay Bruce, Brandon Phillips, Johnny Cueto, Edinson Volquez, etc. It's a future All-Star team.

Lou napped during the game, as did I.

Lou always looks like he just ate a huge pasta dinner with 3 glasses of chablis. He looks like my Dad does after Thanksgiving dinner, or like I did during the week I was prescribed Soma for anxiety. Just flat out dosed. Hell, even when the Bears were losing 12, 13 games in the 80s, Ditka was throwing players around the locker room.

The indifference of '09 Lou (aka Lou-nesta) has run it's course for me, and for a lot of the fans.

My guess is than Ricketts will throw him a year or two extension, let Trammel go, bring up Sandberg to bench coach until his eventual crowning. I'm actually afraid that Ryne Sandberg will bring about the apocalypse when he is named head coach. It makes too much sense: redemptive Christ figure returns to the fold to lead the band of misfits into the promised land. But here's what I just realized--if they do indeed re-up on Lou for a two-year, Sandberg will be taking over in fucking 2012! Quetzalcohuātl and other MesoAmerican gods come back to shove hot pokers up our asses for an eternity!

Another game with the 'stros tonight and tomorrow, and in what I'm sure will be a banner day for the sill-incubating Addison to 35th, CUBS/SOX on Thursday. Let's get it on, one more time.

One Loss After Another

Twins - 4
White Sox - 1

So the Sox lost again, this time to the Minnesota Twins. No surprise there. Two more games of this pinballesque nonsense and we can all move on with our AL Central lives.

But that's not the big news of the night.

Say it ain't so, Joe. Sox beat reporter Joe Cowley of the Chicago Sun-Times is declaring via his Twitter feed that Jim Thome has waived his no-trade clause and is being shipped out as we speak. To where? I'm not sure. And for what? Who knows.

According to MLB Trade Rumors, the White Sox sent out a list of available veteran players in a league-wide memo. Besides Thome, it reportedly included:

1. Paul Konerko
2. Jermaine Dye
3. Scott Podsednik
4. Octavio Dotel
5. Scott Linebrink
6. Jose Contreras

Good luck getting rid of 3-65. Hopefully there's someone out there who's dumb enough to give up something for them. I've got to assume that this latest front office flare-up is Kenny's way of saying that he's putting the nail in the 2009 coffin; it's a perfectly reasonable reaction to this team's play over the past few weeks but especially this road trip. 1-7 now? No fun there.

Jim Thome was a great Sox player. He really, genuinely seems like a kind, down-to-Earth guy. Hell, he grew up in Peoria... so without baseball in his life he'd probably have ended up a farmer or a truck driver. To the best of my knowledge, he never caused any problems for the White Sox. I've only witnessed him get tossed from one game, and it was because the umpire was definitely full of shit. If Jim Thome's arguing with you, you're wrong. And also full of shit.

I hope he hits 600 home runs. He's got one of the sweetest swings that I've ever seen in my life. Even when he was with Cleveland, and killed the Sox, I actually enjoyed watching him hit. And whenever he comes back to US Cellular, if he gets to, he's going to kill us again. And I'll cheer for him. I don't suspect that his name will ever show up on any PED-positive list. He's always looked like a lumberjack.

Jim Thome is a future member of the Hall of Fame. He's a good guy, a great ballplayer, and (to me, anyway) is one of the best examples in today's world of how a professional athlete should hope to conduct themself on and off of the field of play.


Vaya con dios, Slugger Jim. You were good.

-=-=-

11:28PM - Cowley updates: Thome sent to Dodgers with cash for 2B/SS Justin Fuller, Contreras sent to Colorado for cash and AAA pitching prospect Brandon Hynick.