Math Shapes

+

Winter Meetings

I'm going to try to ignore the rumors that Kenny is trying to bring Matsui in at the winter meetings. Old. Also, I have the suspicion that when you remove him from that stout lineup, and can actually pitch around him, and have him hit in a park that isn't 150 feet to right field... that his numbers might diminish a tad. If you're going to sign a left-handed batting DH who can never field at all, why not just sign Thome then?

Anyway, it's that special time of the year, and it's quite easy to distract yourself with things like booze, and small lights. I don't know who did this, but I commend you:



Merry Christmas.

Fantastic Mr. Fox

Cubs Fans Mourn Loss of Future Replacement Level Hitter with Well Below-Average Defensive Range



So the Cubs traded the much-touted Jake Fox, he of the "some bat, no glove" persuasion. That could be a problem in the NL, friend.

Fox and Aaron Miles, along with $1M to offset Miles' contract, go to Oakland, where Fox will never have to actually field a position. Phew!

How bad was Fox in the field, you ask? According to Baseball Reference, his average fielding range per game as compared to the league average stood at roughly 78% proficiency. That would be bad, folks.

Fox was played out in the field at four positions last year. According to the statistical breakdowns, he fielded exactly at league average per game in left field.

Okay, that's decent, right? Before you answer, please consider that Alfonso Soriano plays at roughly 118% proficiency in left field by those calculations. Here, I'm not lying. Get out your abacus and crunch the numbers for yourself, Poindexter.

In blunt terms: Jake Fox is a shitty fielder. What more do you need to know?

Not convinced? Let's keep going. At first base, he played at 70% proficiency. Yikes.

Okay, let's try him in the outfield again, since he apparently can't keep up with the pace of the infield. How about... right field... where we traditionally hide players who can't quite play defense (huge myth). That oughta be more his speed, right?

Wrong. Fox played at a 37% clip compared to the league average in right field. THIRTY-SEVEN PERCENT EFFICIENCY COMPARED TO HIS PEERS, PEOPLE.

Well, okay. So maybe right field isn't Jake's cup of tea either! Let's bring him back to where we drafted him. He came up a catcher, and Geovany Soto is too busy with his water bongs and vaporizers and his indoor hydroponic growing tank... let's put Jake Fox at.. CATCHER!

Catcher. Where Jake Fox plays at about 34% compared to the league average. That's ungodly. That's... well below replacement level. It's staggeringly awful. You might as well throw Yogi Berra or Joe Garagiola back there... they're wittier. (Grimace) It is Fox's worst defensive position! You know, the one that he's been playing the longest. Am I the only one whose bullshit meter is blaring at this moment?

So, in short, Jake Fox sucked in the field, and Cubs fans who mourn his loss are completely barking up the wrong tree. Remember, your team is a NATIONAL LEAGUE team, you inbreds. You need to have players who can field reasonably well at their positions if you want to succeed.

Aside from that, I don't understand what all the hubbub is about with Fox on the offensive side of the plate. Dude played in 82 games, and hit .259. I'm seriously reading people mourning him like the Cubs just gave away Mickey Mantle at age 24 or something.

Which brings me to another point: Jake Fox is 27 years old. If he was going to be something other than a journeyman pinch-hitter, you would have surely seen it by now.

Anyway, the Cubs get rid of Miles, who was shitty on his own accord. Remember- he was supposed to be the guy who replaced Mark DeRosa as the Messiah. That... didn't work out so well.

In return, the Cubs get Athletics prospects Jeff Gray, Ronny Morla, and Matt Spencer. Knowing Billy Beane, something is absolutely wrong with all three of them. Enjoy, North Siders.

Gonezo: Fool's Gold

According to Joe Cowley, the whole Adrian Gonzalez trade rumor is completely hearsay and lacks any merit.

Damn you with your journalistic integrity and credible knowledge, Joe Cowley!

Not Your Father's Gonzo

Gonzalez for Konerko in Three-Way Deal with Anaheim?


Thanksgiving is almost here, and we Sox fans might have something to actually be thankful for this year, besides putting that steaming piece of shit which was our last season to bed, permanent-like. It was like a biblical shit-storm. Like, God himself rained fire and brimstone on Sodom, Gommorah, and the 2009 Chicago White Sox. And not even in that order.

Speaking of Godly events and converting an entire populace from sin to see the light, the rumor mills are circulating word that Kenny is trying to hack out a three-team deal which would bring slugger Adrian Gonzalez from the depths of hell out in San Diego and get him in the mix at US Cellular Field, where pitchers go to die.

(Except for Scott Linebrink, who- like a platypus- has failed to meet extinction and manages to survive on with no real purpose other than looking ridiculous. The platypus is an excellent swimmer; I'm not sure what the hell Linebrink is good at. Oh wait, now I remember: hanging fastballs for people to piss on. That's right. Yeah, he's really good at that.)

Anyway, back to the half-full glass. Adrian Gonzalez can hit the living shit out of a baseball. He hits it like Sammy Sosa hits his wife: hard, and unapologetically. If he puts on a Sox uniform, I would think Gonzo would be one of the best hitters to wear it since Frank Thomas in his prime. Don't believe me? Check out his stats from last year:

160 games played, 153 hits, 27 doubles, 40 home runs, 99 runs batted in, 119 walks, a batting average of .277, an on-base percentage of .407, and an on-base plus slugging figure of .958.

Where do I sign my name on this thing?

His full-season averages look pretty tasty as well: 168 hits, 36 doubles, 32 homers, 98 rbi, a .281 batting average, and an OBP of .362. I would love to see a power-hitting left-handed bat like this right smack in the middle of our lineup... that isn't necessarily Jim Thome. Yes. Yes please.

Here's another couple of perks: Gonzalez is only 27 years old, and- here's the best part- he's cheaper than a fucking case of Schlitz. He's scheduled to make $4.75 million next year, and then make $5.5 million with a club option in 2011. I think I'd take that option.

Now, the catch: vaya con dios, Paul Konerko. You'll finally be going to Anaheim. And see you later, prospects: Tyler Flowers, Daniel Hudson, Jordan Danks, Dayan Viciedo, and Brent Morel have all been named as possible chips to be sent to either Anaheim or San Diego. I don't mind the idea of us shipping out any/all of these prospects, because after hearing names like Lance Broadway/Charlie Haegar/Aaron Poreda being talked up like the second coming of Maddux/Smoltz/Glavine by Hawk Harrelson and Phil "The More Foot You Show The Hotter I Get" Rogers over the past x years, I'm pretty much over our evaluation of player development... and Gordon Beckham doesn't count in the collective shitpile of Sox prospects, because even Stevie Wonder could see that kid could rake in college.

Ah, the silence...

I am at peace with my idea of Paul Konerko. He's been tailing off in the past few years, and he also has a $12 million contract hanging over us like Black Death 1400something. I love Paulie, he'll always be one of my favorite Sox players, but if losing him can in any way bring us Adrian Gonzalez, then don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out, old timer. It's been a treat.

In summation, Konerko to Anaheim with prospects, Sox/Anaheim prospects to San Diego. Adrian Gonzalez to Chicago. Good day.

-=-=-

In other news, Buerhle won a Gold Glove, which is great and all except for the part where people win Gold Gloves with pretty much zero merit defensively. See also: Derek Jeter winning one this year. Anyway, it's cool for Buerhle to get some acknowledgement, congratulations!

In other award news, Bacon didn't get Rookie of the Year. He actually finished 5th in the voting, behind Jeff Niemann (TB), Rick Porcello (DET), Elvis Andrus (TEX), and the big winner Andrew Bailey of Oakland. I don't think they factored the quality of these players' respective hair-dos into the voting process. Writers.

-=-=-

And to close, Kenny says that Chone Figgins is too damn expensive. We knew this anyway. Just please don't bring back Podsednik. Then again, if you bring us Adrian Gonzalez, you can pretty much do whatever the hell you want. I'll be agreeable.

Crosstown Catchup

Nothing in the way of critical news to report here, but just some things to catch up on:

1. According to a report from Bob Dutton of the KC Star, Mark Teahan did in arrive with $1 million, which makes me feel pretty smart with my little calculator, and my pocket protector, and my abacus, and my Poindexter playing the violin in one of those "Revenge of the Nerds" movies. Awesome. The more I think about this trade and its implications to our defensive positioning, the more I like it. I think that Gordon Beckham being at second is going to improve Alexei Ramirez as a shortstop. Double plays are going to develop more quickly coming from Bacon, and Alexei's going to have to properly position himself to roll up the tail end of those plays. The ball will be coming, quickly and accurately, to the bag. No more of the "40 feet from the bag in double play scenarios" positioning. Alexei won't be able to get away with that as much, in theory. We'll see if I'm right about this.

2. According to Tim Kurkjian, both the White Sox AND the Cubs could be in on the Chone Figgins sweepstakes. Personally, I feel like Tom Ricketts might be a bit financially tied up as far as his team is concerned, thanks to Jim Hendry's abhorrent use of the franchise's coffers over the last few years. At this point, I am pretty sure that he'd be a stretch for the Sox as well. I like Chone Figgins, but I don't like him at all for around $12M per year for four years... Oh, and the Orioles are also contenders for Figgins, apparently. Wake me up when Earl Weaver is managing the Orioles again.



Managers used to be managers. Now they're all... math professors.

3. Also, the Cubs will have to go a few ways this offseason, according to Kurkjian:

"The first point of business will be trading volatile outfielder Milton Bradley, but they likely won't be able to do that without picking up most of the two years, $20 million left on his contract. Then they have to sign, find or trade for a dominant personality for that clubhouse -- they haven't replaced the leadership they lost with the departures of Mark DeRosa and Kerry Wood last offseason. And, with the way their offense fell off last year, they have to find a big bat for the middle of the order, someone even bigger than Derrek Lee and Aramis Ramirez, and someone much, much better than Alfonso Soriano."

4. According to MLB Trade Rumors, the White Sox would be a good fit for a short-term deal with Vladimir Guerrero. I'm not sure how I'd feel about this. Just for shits and giggles, I ran a comparison of three hypothetical solutions for the White Sox at DH for next year: Vlad, Dye, and Thome. The results can be found here.

All three players are clearly on the downslope of their respective careers. This makes sense, because they're all pretty old. I still think think Dye makes the most sense. Thome walks a lot, but he also strikes out at a fair clip. Vlad doesn't strike out as much, but he also doesn't take as many walks. Dye seems like the middle ground to me.

AS REPORTED, STRANGE THINGS INDEED AFOOT AT THE CIRCLE K

Joe Cowley is now reporting some really interesting stuff. According to Kenny Williams himself, Mark Teahen is now the White Sox starting third baseman. And Gordon Beckham? Second base. Wow... I'm still not quite sure why you wouldn't just flip Beckham and Alexei, but... I trust that Kenny has a good reason for it.

In other Sox news, Williams also is saying that the Sox couldn't come up with an agreement with Podsednik. Thank you, God. Thank you, Kenny, for seeing through the mirage that was Scott Podsednik at the plate, 2009. Cowley has followed up the report on Podsednik with the following:

"Jordan Danks... C'MON DOWN!"

So, if that's true, our outfield group is now:

Quentin
Rios
Kotsay
Danks

Is Rios our new right fielder? The right field free agency pool is complete crap. I don't think that they're going to sign Vladimir Guerrero. Abreu just signed back with the Angels. That leaves only Dye in right as a free agency option, in my opinion.

-OR-

Are they really going to get Figgins? He could play left, Rios in center, then Quentin in right.

The plot thickens.

-=-=-

In AL Central news, the Twins have traded Carlos Gomez to the Brewers for JJ Hardy. I guess they couldn't handle any more Orlando Cabrera, huh? Man, that guy is an asshole.

Lincecum Summers in Humboldt County

From The Columbian, out of Washington State:

Tim Lincecum, star pitcher for the San Francisco Giants and a two-time All Star, is facing charges of misdemeanor possession of marijuana after being stopped for speeding on Interstate 5 in Vancouver last week.

Lincecum, judged as one of the best pitchers in the major leagues, starred for the University of Washington Huskies baseball team and is a native of Bellevue.A Washington State Patrol motorcycle trooper working with a laser device timed a 2006 Mercedes-Benz doing 74 mph northbound in Hazel Dell near Northeast 78th Street at 8:23 a.m. Oct. 30, WSP trooper and spokesman Steve Schatzel said.The speed limit there is 60 mph.

The trooper pulled the Mercedes over. When the driver, Lincecum, rolled down his window, the trooper smelled marijuana. He asked Lincecum to hand it over, and Lincecum reached into his dashboard console and produced a small pouch and a pipe, Schatzel said.The amount was 3.3 grams, Schatzel said, which is considered only enough for personal use. Lincecum did not appear to be impaired behind the wheel and is not being charged with a felony crime, Schatzel said."Not unless there's something else going on," Schatzel said. "With this amount of marijuana, that's normally the way we deal with it."He said 3.3 grams of marijuana is about the size of a person's thumb.Lincecum "was cited and released," Schatzel said.

Lamping In The Cut

Dear Addy to 35th,

Look, I won't sugarcoat this. I've been really fucking busy. I work multiple jobs, the Bulls are on, and I've got all these Henry Rollins books to get through. I know, I know, there's no excuse. I was at the Rickett's press conference for Christ sakes! So until I can get my post-season tome up later this weekend, I'll leave you with this tease:

Starlin Castro, all up in your area. One!

-JB

Tag 'Em & Bag 'Em

Well, that didn't take too long. According to Mr. Cowley, Jermaine Dye's remaining contract has been bought out for $950,000 by the club. It was a financially prudent move on Kenny William's part to buy out JD's contract at this juncture, and we knew it was going to happen.

In other news, Mark Teahen is now officially a White Sox. As it turns out, money was the sticking point for the whole deal. Kansas City ended up sending him and unknown cash considerations to the White Sox in exchange for Fields and Getz. The contracts of Fields and Getz were worth $410,000 and $401,000, respectively. Teahen's earning about 9 times as much as either of those guys, so some compensation was necessary. But that's not the end of it.

So, all in all, you have the Sox saving roughly $11,050,000 by not extending Dye. They cut an additional $811,000 in trading away Fields and Getz. The Royals sent them x dollars. From that bulk of savings, take away Teahen's $3,575,000 contract and you lighten the team's salary by at least $8,286,000. If the Royals fronted the difference in salary in full (if this were a perfect world), the Sox would be saving $11,050,000. More than likely, Teahen's remaining contract was covered, so you're actually probably looking somewhere in the neighborhood of a million dollars that the Royals sent to Chicago. So all in all, the Sox saved themselves about $9 million in the last two days. God, I love Kenny sometimes.

Now... whose money is that?

-=-=-

Thank you, Jermaine Dye. You were a really great player for us for the last five years. Your stats during this period show it:

742 hits, 164 home runs, 461 runs batted in, a .278 batting average, an on-base percentage of .344, and fielded around 98% error-free. Most Valuable Player of the 2005 World Series.

You were a damn solid player for us, and a large reason why we won the World Series. So thank you. I hope that you find success wherever your career takes you from here.


Like Jim Thome, Jermaine was 100% class at all times. He never caused any trouble, or made a ruckus, or came off arrogant or vain or self-obsessed. The only times I remember seeing him start anything was 1) when Orlando Cabrera stole a base ahead of him in a hitting count and threw off his concentration, and he nearly choked out Cabrera in the dugout, which would've been 100% O.K. in my book and 2) when Toby Hall coated Dye's face with a shaving cream pie after the game, and Dye appeared ready to kill Hall. If you don't understand that, then I suggest you immediately go and put globs of shaving cream in your eyes. Then we'll talk.

Anyway, I'm going to miss the big man in right. I learned a lot by observing him out there.

If I have one consistent memory of Jermaine Dye, it would have to be watching him at the plate, his heel rising and falling like a piston, and the bat head moving back and forth above his head. But it is in a calm way. Jermaine, the stoic warrior. The ball comes from the pitcher's hand, and Dye cracks a screaming line drive up the middle.

On many of those occasions, my wife (girlfriend at the time) would be sitting beside me, watching the game. She never took an interest in baseball before we were together. Inevitably, after Jermaine had ripped a line drive past the pitcher, Missy would turn to me and say "I like those." She wasn't yet sure what to call a line drive. At that point, she was just learning to love the game, but she knew immediately how to identify a great hit when it came off the bat. It always seemed to come off of Jermaine's bat.

"I like those too, honey." And I did. I loved those.

Thank you, Jermaine. I'm gonna miss you. I don't care about this last year. You were clutch.

Now I'm Sold on Mark Teahen

If you browse his Twitter feed, you learn all sorts of stuff. Actually, it's not Mark Teahen's Twitter account. It's his dog's. That's so refreshingly... normal, as odd as that sounds. My bloodhound has his own Facebook account, so I can relate. We dressed him up as a bumblebee for Halloween this year.

Check out how Teahen dressed up his dog for Halloween this year:


And the dog also posted this update on October 14th:

"Medalla light, Puerto Rican beer, delicious & not filling. Si I'm a dog, Si Bebo, perro mi padres no know. Piña Colada mi fav, but ML is gr8"

Reading further, I stumbled across this little gem:

"Hey old fella wearing the long sleeve swim shirt... The man-kini shouldn't accompany the swim shirt, right? Gay or European?"

Then there's this:

"Big shout out to my bro-bros playing World of Warcraft. Stay golden."

On Brett Favre:

"Retiring from Twitter..No I'm back... Tearfully I now retire from Twitter..wait still passion to twit..no can't, thumbs hurt..no I'm back"

-=-=-

I actually like him a lot, personality-wise. I hope he comes here. Maybe we can dress our dogs up like bees and let them hang out.

Teabaggin' & Hypothetical JD

Rumor mills have Sox swapping Getz and Fields for KC utility guru Teahen: more to follow?


According to multiple sources, the White Sox are in the process of acquiring Kansas City Royals jack of all trades Mark Teahen for second baseman Chris Getz and "third baseman" Josh Fields. The deal was announced as complete all throughout the day on Chicago's WSCR-670, but as of yet has not been officially confirmed. What's the holdup?

According to the Sun-Times White Sox beat reporter Joe Cowley: "There were still talks about the possibility of minor-league prospects being involved."

The notorious/exhalted/all-powerful Brian Kovar of STATS weighed in with his professional opinion. He felt the White Sox may have given up too much for Teahen. Could the Sox be getting back a prospect or two in return for giving up two of their own younger players? Don't get me wrong here, I never for one second felt that Getz and/or Fields were the building blocks of a championship contending team... but they certainly have the potential to be serviceable. Fields could make a decent/replacement level first baseman with good enough pop at the plate, and Getz showed that at times he could actually hold his own at the top of our lineup this year. The fielding needs work for both of them, but on the whole they weren't bad players. They weren't exactly good players, however, and that must have been enough in Kenny's mind to send them packing. That's life, I suppose. And that's certainly baseball.

According to most sources, Teahen is slated to start next year in right field. My "bullshit meter" is just blaring. Last year, Teahen hit 12 home runs. Dye- he of the incredible and all-encompassing second half slump- hit 27 of them last year. That's well over double the power output that Teahen provided for his club, and Jermaine had a historically bad campaign from July onward. Where in the presently anemic lineup do the Sox get those 15 home runs back? You certainly can't lean on Carlos Quentin (he might break). Kenny Williams is well aware that his ball club is a home run hitting team, in a home run hitting ballpark.

Here's what I see:

I think Kenny is going to go after Chone Figgins first and foremost, and be quickly outbid by someone else. Plan B?

How's this for a possible scenario: Sox management guilt trips the living hell out of Dye for his shoddy performance (the public has been since the first week of July), and ink him to a short-term "hometown" deal. It really makes sense: he wants to stay here, his family is rooted here, and we've clearly put up with off years before (cough Paulie cough). He's a solid presence on the team, he's a respected leader, and he was a keystone to our winning the Series in '05. Plus, he wanted to choke out Orlando Cabrera last year, which clearly shows sound judgment on Jermaine's part.

All this aside, Dye's second half performance certainly couldn't have earned him much in the way of leverage in the free agent market. Jermaine Dye is getting old, and commanding very little. His mobility in the field is decreasing, and his bat is (now, thanks to last year) suspect. I know it sounds counter-intuitive, but this is exactly why I believe he is primed to be the White Sox designated hitter. They're going to let him test free agency, and when he can't land a deal even remotely close to what his option with the Sox would have been ($12M), he's going to come back. In a way, you can argue that the 2009 slump of Jermaine Dye could be a very good thing for the 2010 club.

Remember when Kenny dicked around with Buerhle when contract time came around a couple of years back? Yeah, me too. And that was a "pride of the franchise" type of guy Kenny was playing slap 'n tickle with.

Let's be honest: even if Jermaine sucks beyond belief next year, he should be capable of doubling up, power wise, on the "replacement level" of outfielder which Kenny Williams has set for his 2010 club (Mark Teahen and/or Mark Kotsay). I'd like to see Figgins at the top of our order, but I've steadily become more and more convinced that it's not going to happen... especially now that the Yankees just won it all. Nancy, fire up the pipes. Figgins is gone.

I think Dye's coming back.

Let's say this happens just as I'm saying. If they resign Dye, where does Teahen go? #4 outfielder? I don't think so. He could well be the new third baseman. Teahen played 107 games there last year, and has played the bulk of his career at third (363 at third, 261 in right). The sudden Getz absence opens things up a bit for the Sox: Alexei could shift over to second, where he will have a much harder time screwing up routine outs. He clearly had focus problems last year, which is not something you can afford from your shortstop. I also like the idea of Alexei's offensive numbers coming out of the 2B position. Bacon could then scoot over to short, which is his natural position.

Let's say Figgins falls through, AND someone else inks Dye... I think that then, and only then, Jim Thome gets called back to play. Teahen takes over in right/third, depending on possible moves.

So, in short, Teahen is insurance against losing an actual starting right fielder, and he could actually be our new third baseman. Here's wishful thinking: Teahen's defensive range factor numbers line up comparably at this stage in his career to Joe Crede's range factor numbers, circa 2004. This might be the last sentence I will ever type, for the thundergod Rowand may strike me down with a bolt of lightning from the heavens at any second.

...

I'm still here. Phew. Clearly, the god of XTREME OUTFIELDING has little time to meddle in the affairs of a peon such as myself. Thank you, oh merciful one. You are the Grindiest of Grindy. He was probably too busy skydiving on the back of a tiger and pounding enough Red Bull to kill six men twice over.

You selfish heathen. Don't you realize? That is Aaron Rowand's sacrifice for YOU: XTREME MARTYRDOM- HE HAS CAST HIMSELF INTO THE DEPTHS OF XTREME AWESOMENESS TO MAKE UP FOR YOUR DULL, MUNDANE EXISTENCE!

DOUBLE U DOUBLE U DOUBLE U DOT REMETEE DOT COM ON A LIGHTNING BOLT

LAZERS AND BMX FLIPS

DRAG RACING AND PYROTECHNICS

Anyway, to close my original point, Mark Teahen was also the #39 pick in the 2002 draft, so he obviously had the pedigree to stand out to the talent scouts. Maybe the Kansas City coaching staff could only get through to him to a point? Some quality time with Joey Cora should improve him... and even if he is a slight downgrade from Beckham at third, he'll still be an upgrade from Fields at third.

-=-=-

Terry Boers, whose baseball knowledge I greatly respect, is steadfastly maintaining that Tampa is a team who is in need of a closer. Namely, Bobby Jenks. Tampa is also a team that has Carl Crawford. I would honestly donate my testicles if it meant that the Sox could have a shot at acquiring Carl Crawford. Now THERE'S a top of the order guy for all you Scott Podsednik apologists to watch. See how he doesn't get picked off? See how he can actually track a ball when he's in the field? Revolutionary!

Speaking of Podsednik, Cowley says "There were initial talks with Scott Podsednik to re-sign with the club, but that might have been nothing more than a PR move by the club, allowing them to stall and find out the asking price for Figgins in just over two weeks." Talk to him all day, but I beg of you, do not sign him. Last year was a mirage, and I hope to God that Kenny wasn't fooled... we'll see who was. I bet the Nationals sign him.

-=-=-

Aside from the hypothetical, more reality: the Sox re-signed Mark Kotsay. 1 year, $1.5 million. For a backup outfielder and a backup for Paulie, I like it. I'd rather have Mark Kotsay as my #4 outfielder as opposed to DeWayne Wise or Brian Anderson. Although, I still pine for Anderson's glove. If he could just have learned to bat .260... sigh.

It's when you're pining for Brian Anderson that you know your post has gone too far. Good night.

Year of the Quota

I know they say that the Yankees winning the World Series is good for baseball, but I'm not sure I quite believe it on a personal level. There's personally nothing more devoid of surprise or intensity than watching the Yankees win another championship.

The Yankees have won, as of now, roughly 26% of the possible championship series which have been played since 1903. One every 4 years, pretty much. Is it even enjoyable for a Yankees fan, I mean really, is it enjoyable at this point? Imagine if the Cubs won the Series. THAT would be jubilation... Jarrett would probably cry... and I would absolutely understand it and be actually quite happy for him. Are there any Yankees fans out there crying tonight? Is there anybody out there truly surprised that the Yankees won this championship? They can outspend anybody in professional sports. This year, they signed three- count 'em- three guys in the off-season for $423.5 MILLION.

Is watching Nick Swisher parade around in the same uniform that Thurman Munson wore... is that just making your heart swell up with pride? Do A-Rod's purple lips just make you wake up saying "Good goddamn, it is fantastic to be a Yankees fan"? By the way, if you're all about quasi-embarrassing things re: Alex Rodriguez, check this out. Speaking of The Devil- seriously- speaking of The Devil- what do you think Billy Martin would have to say to Alex Rodriguez? Do you think Casey Stengel would be fond of him as well? Now THAT would be something worth sitting down and observing with a $9 beer.

Maybe I'm jealous. Maybe this is a case of the classic "Pinstripe Envy" which is a constant in American culture. Are the Yankees the best team in baseball? Absolutely they are. Historically, they are always right up there. Would I love for the White Sox to experience comparable success? Is that even a question?

But I tell you what: you can have your George Steinbrenner, and your Reggie Jackson's mustache, and you can have your Joe DiMaggio 1940 season. Ted Williams smoked his ass that year anyway. My point is that it's not what you do, but how you do it. The ends don't always justify the means, unless you're Josef Stalin.

You can have your Mickey Mantle driving drunk, and you should be embarrassed with regards to how poorly your fathers and grandfathers treated Roger Maris as he broke Babe Ruth's record. Also, you can have your lamer-than-shit Yogi Berra sayings. Yogi Berra is the ugliest sonofabitch who will ever walk on this planet, and his longtime reign as the undisputed king of ugliness within your organization has actually just been usurped by that steaming pile of shit, concrete, and chrome you call a "stadium". The one with all the obstructed view seating, the one with the $9 beers, the one with less personality than Comiskey II when it opened... the one with zilch respect for the actual history of your hallowed organization. You screwed up the first one so bad that you had to try to reconstruct it, for double the cost that it would have set you back to properly restore the original.

I'm jealous of the Yankees success. Who wouldn't be?

But man, do I hate the "Yankee way" of doing things. In every aspect. But they're so good. It's such a brutal inner conflict...

-=-=-

Having said all of this, congrats to Mariano Rivera and Derek Jeter. Class acts, all the way. You shall be spared.

Go forth, and off-season.

BACON!

It's been quite some time since I dropped a post here, like a turd into a punch bowl at a soiree, but I heard something here that's worth mentioning:

The Sporting News has announced that White Sox Gordon Beckham as their winner for the 2009 American League Rookie of the Year, according to Scott Merkin of MLB.com.

Beckham's splits, for a rookie, are impressive: .270 batting average, 65 runs batted in, 41 walks, an .808 on base + slugging percentage, 28 doubles, and 14 home runs - all in 108 games and 378 plate appearances.

By contrast, take those numbers with Evan Longoria's from the year before: .272 batting average, 85 runs batted in, 46 walks, .874 on base + slugging percentage, 31 doubles, and 27 homers. However, Longoria played in 122 games and had 508 plate appearances.

Let's take these two head-to-head and break the statistics down, shall we?

Beckham '09 RBI/PA - .171
Longoria '08 RBI/PA - .167

Beckham '09 BB/PA - .108
Longoria '08 BB/PA - .09

Beckham '09 2B/PA - .074
Longoria '08 2B/PA - .061

Beckham '09 HR/PA - .037
Longoria '08 HR/PA - .053

I think, on the whole, you can make an argument that Gordon Beckham in 2009 had a better rookie year at the plate than the much-touted, Peter Gammons chubbie-backed Longoria did in 2008. The statistics back me up for the most part: Beckham's never going to be a home run hitter, but you can see that he's a doubles machine and takes more walks than Longoria. I love guys who take walks.

Another aspect of this debate which is a critical point: look at the surrounding cast for each player in their respective Rookie of the Year campaigns. The Devil Rays went to the World Series in 2008, and had BJ Upton and Carl Crawford in front of Longoria. The 2009 White Sox finished up 79-83 on the year, and had Scott Podsednik in front of Beckham.

I ran a graph comparison between the two on FanGraphs, and the results look pretty nice.

And, on top of that, Bacon has the best walk up music in all of the Major Leagues. This is not open for debate:



So, let's not go out and have a Soto-esque sophomore campaign, Bacon. I don't wanna lose your love tonight. Congrats!

-=-=-

Other points of note which I should cover while I'm busy typing:

1. The Sox picked up Freddy Garcia's option for $1M, with $2M in possible incentives. Perhaps he gets some sort of bonus for sweating profusely?
2. Matt Thornton's option was also exercised, at $2.25M. His next option will be $3M after this year, which by my logic is probably a lot less than Bobby Jenks will demand, and without that whole declining velocity thing.
3. DeWayne Wise declared himself a free agent. I'm really glad he was there at the fence to save Buehrle's perfect game. That catch was awesome. But, on the realistic side, DeWayne Wise can't really hit. At all. Thanks for playing some D for us.
4. The Sox are discussing a Podsednik deal. Somehow, the UZR ratings used to evaluate a player's worth if he goes to free agency graded out Pod's defensive play as "average". Clearly, the UZR rating system is in need of an overhaul if this is the case.
5. Will they deal Jenks? Will they not? His velocity is on the decline, and he popped his calf at the end of the year, so methinks his value may not be what it once was. This is unfortunate. I also heard an interesting rumor regarding Jenks + prospects being sent to Tampa for Carl Crawford. Tampa could use some bullpen bolstering, and we could certainly use someone like Carl Crawford at the top end of our lineup. But what prospects do we have that can be used to balance out such a deal? I'm thinking this won't happen. Jenks supposedly wants to stay in Chicago, but isn't pleased that the team more or less called him "a fatty boom-batty." Yes, he's a total lard-ass. And he's out of shape. And he keeps getting hurt because of it. We'll see how Big Bad looks when pitchers and catchers report: your over/under is 290 el-bees. (FYI: I'm takin' the over.)
   
6. Jim Thome: ''I'll be honest, I would still love to come back. I still care about the city. I mean, we're going to live there. Chicago's very fond in my heart. The time that I spent there, Jerry Reinsdorf treated me great. I guess we'll deal with that when this is all over with.'' I would love for this to happen. I'm a sentimental man. And I don't want to see him in a Twins uniform... because he would absolutely kill us.

I want to make friends with Palehosed. I see some common sentiments between us. Check them out if you get a chance: I especially love the banners across the top of the page.

-=-=-

I had been hoping for an All-LA Series this year, so that the plot to "Colors" could possibly unfold before our very eyes, and possibly force Sean Penn and Robert DuVall into a squad car together to play good cop / bad cop amongst the chaos which would surely ensue.

Colors(1988)-trailer
Uploaded by SaleSud. - Full seasons and entire episodes online.

"But you're just like them, Pac-Man. Nothin' but a gangster."

Anyway, it's looking more like Philly/Yankees, which actually should be a pretty good series. There's a bunch of great players on both those squads- not that there aren't on the LA ones- but it would be cool to see Mo Rivera close out another World Series game perhaps. Or watch Hamels chump A-Rod with that unholy changeup of his. I like the dramatic angle of Pedro starting against the Yankees again. And bad things could happen to Shane Victorino! We'll see. The Divisional Series were piss poor, and these Championship Series have been pretty nice.

I was also hoping that Thome could get his Series ring. That's not looking too good at this point. Come home, Slugger Jim!

Epic Fail

Epic fail. More to come. Go Twins.

On a quick side note, Ryan Braun has hit like .001 since our scathing review of Remetee. Addison WILL house you with bad mojo. We're out in the ether like that.

Yahtzee!

Rejoice, blue-clad perverts! Fire up the bugles and blare away, Incontinent Five! Let the wonderful news ring from the mountain tops! Milton Bradley has been suspended for the remainder of the 2009 campaign!

I SAID FIRE UP THE BUGLES, INCONTINENT FIVE!



That's much better.

Yesterday, Bradley pulled himself from a start versus the Cardinals, saying that his knee was "too sore to go." This would be the second time in a handful of days that he'd decided on his own to pull himself from a game. In addition, Bradley chose to follow up his intense and awkward interview session from a few days ago with another intensely awkward Q&A, this time with Bruce Miles of the Daily Herald. Miles interviewed the eternally disgruntled outfielder after Saturday's no-play and, after getting no response to a few reasonable questions, was able to get Bradley to reply to this one: has he enjoyed his first season in Chicago?

Bradley: "Not really. It's just not a positive environment. I need a stable, healthy, enjoyable environment. There's too many people everywhere in your face with a microphone asking the same questions repeatedly. Everything is just bashing you. You got out there and you play harder than anybody on the field and never get credit for it. It's just negativity. And you understand why they haven't won in 100 years here, because it's negative. It's what it is."

Asked to clarify- did he mean fans? Media? The Cubs themselves?

Bradley: "It's everything. It's everybody."

So he must regret ever coming to Chicago then.

Bradley: "No, I made the decision. It is what it is."

-=-=-

There had been some speculation between yesterday's no-start and today, before the suspension was announced, that the Cubs were going to shelve Bradley for the rest of the season on the Injured Reserve list. According to the Trib:

"The Cubs are on the hook for the second season of Bradley's three-year, $30 million contract, but they could buy out the third year for $2 million if he is on the disabled list at the end of 2009 with a knee injury and is not on the active roster by April 15."

So why not put the IR tag on him and buyout the contract for $2 mil when 2011 rolls around? Because they don't want to deal with him in 2010. Apparently, Hendry has had enough of Bradley- now, after an entire year of his crap- to discipline him. Hendry is an imbecile, and he's surrounded himself with players from the same cut of cloth. It's easy to imagine Lou, holed up in his office and wearing only a jockstrap, chugging handle bottles of vodka cold water like he's a baby calf being fattened for the slaughter.

So, it's on to greener pastures for the Cubs, eh? Check out this list of steaming crap that you can put out in right field next year via free agency:

Bobby Abreu (36)
Jermaine Dye (36) - $12MM mutual option with a $1MM buyout
Brian Giles (39)
Vladimir Guerrero (34)
Eric Hinske (32)
Geoff Jenkins (35) - $7.5MM mutual option with a $1.25MM buyout
Gabe Kapler (34)
Austin Kearns (30) - $10MM club option with a $1MM buyout
Jason Michaels (34)
Xavier Nady (31)
Randy Winn (36)



Times were simpler then. Don't let the door hit you on the way out, jackass.

My Favorite Player

There's just something about his swing... Nothing else like it. The best. If time machines are ever developed, I'll be spending a whole bunch of time at Fenway Park, 1939-1960.

RIP, Teddy Ballgame. Greatest hitter there ever was.

Royally Screwed

Kansas City Royals - 11
White Sox - 0

Kansas City's Luke Hochevar went the full length today, and shut out the Sox in the process. I repeat, Luke Hochevar just threw a complete game shutout on us. He came into the game with a 6.23 era, and we only got three hits on him. Let me restate: Luke Hochevar just pitched a complete game, three hit shutout against the Sox. Wait a minute. Let's try that again. Okay. Luke Hochevar just completed a three hit shutout against the Sox, and went the full length of the game. Luke Hochevar just tossed a complete game, three hit shutout, against the Chicago White Sox. Nope. Not getting easier to type.

Moving along, Sox pitchers got lit up. 8 of the 9 Kansas City starters got hits, and all 9 managed to get on base throughout the game. Billy Butler and Miguel Olivo, in particular, made life difficult for us tonight. Butler went 2-for-2 with 3 walks, scored 3 runs and drove in 2. Olivo and his Latin rage hit two separate 2 run shots, and drove in 6 runs total on the day.

In summation:

WANGO TANGO! WANGO TANGO!



An interesting tidbit from Joe Cowley's twitter feed: "Jenks may have sealed his fate for a trade this winter. Bye big guy." Apparently he was spotted last night joking and goofing around after blowing his 6th save of the year. Oney Guillen certainly spotted this, and broadcast it for the world to read. I'm guessing that means Ozzie saw, and probably Kenny as well... Kenny has been pissed as of late, from everything I've heard... not the time to mess around, Bobby.

As a possible result of this, and in conspicuous fashion, both Joey Cora's and Oney Guillen's Twitter accounts don't exist anymore. They were both up before noon today... Oney has been accompanying the team lately, and pretty much tore them a new one- alluding to the fact that Jenks should/will be gone, and pretty much echoing his father's sentiment that the Sox are terrible. Both accounts have been getting mention on The Score today, and I have to assume that somebody within the front office put the kibosh on the Twitter feeds.

Joey Cora's Twitter feed had a joke on it this morning:

Q: What do a mama bear on the pill and the World Series have in common?

A: No Cubs.

-=-=-

If Kenny was resisting the idea of rebuilding, and was holding out on the title window of the '05 remnants... I think this team's performance makes it apparent that the window is closed, and locked.

Chicago Baseball: "What Else You Got?"

Mariners - 4
White Sox - 3
In 14 Innings

The Sox.

Ugh.

God, the Sox just... can we please just forfeit the rest of the year already? I don't even know what else to say about my favorite club at the moment. I'm so disappointed with them. Their level of play is completely unacceptable. I now understand why parents send their children off to the mall summer camp boarding school the Russian black market to be sold into sex slavery.

According to the Sun-Times, Ozzie Guillen and his neverending spew of expletive-laden gold has apparently hit the linguistic version of "peak oil"... check out this gem that he dropped after the loss...

‘‘I’m only going to say two things; I’m tired, and I don’t have anything ... it was 2 hours of satisfaction and then 2 hours of horse shit baseball. Go and ask them. I don’t have any more quotes, seriously. What the fuck am I going to say- they horse shit? Yes, they are.’’

Before the game, Guillen had this to say:

‘‘This is a tease, man. It’s like when you have a girlfriend and you are kissing her all over the place and you get to the mambo, and she says no. That’s where we are right now. That’s the way we are."

So, the 2009 White Sox are a horse-shit tease of a team. I can't help but completely agree.

As far as some preliminary discussions with regard to 2010 go, here's just a sprinkling of thoughts:

• Josh Fields: he will be moved in the off-season, according to the Sun-Times. Here's a very telling quote from Fields in terms of his mentality: "I think I can be a big-league third baseman, but I know I'm a big-league player." Josh is brimming with confidence, as you can see. With the presumed departure of Jermaine Dye after this season, and without Jim Thome on the club, the DH slot could be left open to Paul Konerko and his old man legs. I have to assume that Podsednik's offensive output this year is an anomaly, and that he'll return to Earth. So, provided this occurs, and Podsednik isn't our full-time DH, wouldn't that open up a defensive spot for Fields at 1st? I'm not sure I necessarily even like this idea per se, but Fields has proven that he's got some pop at the plate, and has done a serviceable job at 1st... The DH conundrum for the Sox is incredibly foggy to analyze, being that there are more than 1-2 guys on this team whose gloves you want to hide behind the DH rule. Can't we just DH them all?

• Freddy Garcia: The Sox are, by all accounts, going to give "The Big Sweat" a contract extension to be #5 next year. I like it. That would set the rotation at something along the lines of Buerhle-Peavy-Danks-Floyd-Garcia. I think the idea of Gavin Floyd being a #4, when he'd be a #2 on many National League clubs, is reassuring. Of course, these are pitchers that we're talking about, so they could easily suck beyond belief next year... though I doubt that.

• White Sox bullpen: to blow it up, or not to blow it up? That's the question. In my opinion, I think that they should trade Jenks while he's still got some value, before he's due for arbitration (January 19, 2010). Since his last contract was 1 year @ $5.6 million, I've got to assume that his next contract is going to be well above what Kenny/Reinsdorf are willing to pay a closing pitcher. Why not try shaking the Brewers' tree? They love overpaying old/washed up closers, and Jenks isn't really old or washed up. Thornton could step in as the closer, and DJ Carrasco is the only other guy you've been able to consistently rely on this year. $5M for Linebrink next year. Ouch. Check out the payroll estimates here...

• Chone Figgins. My Best Man & diehard Sox fan TS Hardman, esq. and I got into it with regards to Figgins coming to the South Side next year. TS maintains that Figgins will be 32 years old and demanding a contract to the tune of 4 years @ $44M, perhaps more. TS is of the persuasion that giving more than 2 years to a speedster at this age would be a mistake. I can't disagree with the speculation there- however, what I do know about Figgins is that he is an excellent fielder and would be a defensive upgrade at any position the Sox put him in. That's another thing I love about him; he's played every position in his career except pitcher, catcher, and first base. The anomaly of Figgins' defensive play is that he plays his worst at third base. Where do the Angels have him? Third base. If he came to Chicago, he'd be blocked there by the Golden Boy, so I don't think his fielding at the hot corner is much of a topic to examine. Defense aside, it's hard not to be intrigued by a guy who's batting .300 and getting on base at a .400 clip. I know some of that is attributed to who bats around you, but regardless, those numbers would rank #3 and #1 if Figgins were wearing a Sox uniform. His 28 doubles would put him at 2nd. He has swiped 42 bases, which places him head and shoulders above the next leading Sox runners (Podsednik 27, Getz 25). His OPS of .791 actually puts him 3rd on the Sox, behind Konerko and Beckham- which is pretty impressive when you see that Figgins has only hit 3 home runs this year. He's also scored 107 times. The Sox leader: Jermaine Dye, with 72 runs. I understand that Anaheim is a better team than the Sox, but that only goes so far in explaining Figgins' production. We'll see... It's a gamble to roll the dice on a speed guy at this stage, but his numbers are very hard to dismiss. Who knows- Anaheim could resign him, or the Yankees might just give him something ridiculous like 8 years at $176M, because they're the Yankees and concepts like "prudence" and "money" are hard for them to grasp.
  

-=-=-

Now, on to the interesting happenings up in Boystown:

MILTON BRADLEY ASS-HAT WATCH UPDATE



Apparently, people having the nerve to interview Milton Bradley after the Cubs' 7-4 loss to Milwaukee weren't received all too well. According to Gordon Wittenmyer of the Sun-Times, the post-game interview of Bradley went down like this:

Asked about a problem with his legs, he (Bradley) said: ''I'm not talking about that. What else you got?''

Reporter: "Why did you come out of the game?"

Bradley: ''I got knee inflammation. I got two knee surgeries, and that happens when you got knee surgery, in case you don't know. What else you got?''

Reporter: "It flared up?"

Bradley: ''What else you got?''

Reporter: "How long will you be out?"

Bradley: ''What else you got? You got anything significant?''

Reporter: "An injury is significant."

Bradley: ''What else you got? What else you got?''

Reporter: "Was there a problem after you came out?"

Bradley: ''What else you got? I mean, you got any real questions?''

Reporter: "Lou wouldn't do a postgame; that's pretty rare for him."

Bradley: ''If I had a choice, I wouldn't do it, either. What else you got?''

Reporter: "Trying to find out what happened."

Bradley: ''You got some baseball questions, I can answer them. But [if not] I ain't got nothing for you.''

Reporter: "So you came out because of the knee?"

Bradley: ''You got anything else? I mean, broken record.''

Reporter: "That was a strange scene."

Bradley: ''It's strange? It's strange when a guy hurt comes off [the field]?''

Reporter: "Yeah, I didn't see a trainer, didn't see the pinch-runner go out there first."

Bradley: ''OK, it's strange.''

Reporter: "The scene was?"

Bradley: ''I'm out.''

With that, Bradley headed for the exit.

So what made this all happen? What was the root of all of this? In the sixth inning, Bradley pulled himself from the game without the consultation of a trainer or his manager. He just called time, and walked slowly to the dugout and up the tunnel to the clubhouse without a word, leaving Pineilla in the lurch. Lou didn't even hold a post-game press conference, opting to hole up in his office and drink "water":

"Once in a while, I don't have anything to say, and sitting in my office here and just having a bottle of cold water, it helps me relax a little bit, and you all can't get my goat as easy. Every day, somebody else is hurt on something different. It gets frustrating. It really does. I mean, it seems like every day there's something else that goes wrong here. Remember, this is a major league season of 162 games, and you've got to have people who are capable of going 162 games to the post."

"Cold water," huh? I mean, I guess it's clear.

Poor Lou just sounds so defeated... and from what he's telling his friends, he won't be dealing with this for too much longer. Godspeed, Lou. I know you'll find your special spot on the floaty thing in the pool (with a bar in it of course), and you can spend your twilight years just floating along, enjoying countless "bottles of cold water" with those little colorful umbrellas in them... just listening to "Kokomo" or some such thing. It sounds like paradise.

Are We There Yet?

White Sox - 6
Mariners - 3

I think that my feelings on the current White Sox campaign are best summed up by the following:

I don't know what to say. This has been the most mediocre season in a while, and I'm ready for it to be over now please. The '07 team was awful, but at least they fully committed to suck. This team is streaky, and that's a lot worse in my opinion. It's certainly more difficult to watch. Anyway, I've been ready to be done with 2009 for a while now when it comes to the Sox. I'm ready to take in playoff baseball!

Ahh... 2010. You can't be any more frustrating than this year... can you? I can't wait to get to the free agency period- to see who comes, and who goes. I can't wait to learn about new prospects. To see if Thome makes his return. I can't wait to see that rotation roll out- Peavy to Buerhle to Danks to Floyd to... hey- I can't wait to see who's our #5! I can't wait to see Gordon Beckham continue to grow, hopefully in a lineup anchored by an actual leadoff hitter. There's a lot of questions about next year, as there are every year... but there's a decent amount to be excited about. The team coming into this season looked terrible, any way you break it down. I feel like Kenny has taken steps to improve them as well as set us up to make further improvements in the very near future. Let's just get there please!

The only thing I'm not looking forward to in 2010 is the return of Scott Podsednik. In my world, that's equal to the Predator solving Dutch's trap, and walking around the log. Fuck you, Podsednik, you dick. I hate that I have to watch them roll your incompetent ass out in a White Sox uniform again next year.

The Palehose are currently duking it out with those juggernauts of the Pacific Northwest, the Seattle Mariners. The score is 6 to Don Wakamatsu's Bulge, in favor of the Sox. It's the 9th, and surprise, the Sox are trying their best to blow the game. I don't know. Who gives a shit anymore. I'm done with this incarnation of my franchise. It is dead to me.

So whaddya say, Seattle!? Let's all have ourselves a good time, and head on down by Pike Street Market to watch a bunch of paint-huffing, coffee-swilling wharf people chuck dead fish around.

UPDATE: Sox win! EXPENSIVE SILK UNDERGARMENTS FOR EVERYONE! Sox are 5.5 back, but I'm not holding my breath.

Eyes on the Prize: PITCHERS & CATCHERS REPORT IN 152 DAYS!

The Extra "E" is for Elegance: Big Papi's Grille

I had way too much fun breaking down Ryan Braun's tragi-comic attempt at a clothing line to stop there. I wanted more. So I spent the better part of this morning scouring the internet for more examples of horrible athlete branding. I'll eventually get to Jim Edmond's restaurant and Carl Crawford's clothing line, but for now let's focus on the ICBM of MLB'er extra-curricular activity: BIG PAPI'S GRILLE

Open since July, Big Papi's Grille caters to the upscale, adventurous foodies of Framingham, Mass. You know, the gastro-nerds who'll try anything. By anything, I mean steaks and pasta dishes. From the horses mouth:

“Meals are a time when my family, like many families, comes together,” said Ortiz.
“It was in the Dominican that I first developed my love of cooking. My hope is that Big
Papi’s Grille will be an integral part of the local community, bringing people together over a
great meal to create unforgettable memories.”

He then added:

"Theo say if I strike out as much next season that I have to play Mexican League ball with Ellsbury and kid with funny shaped head. No mas stike outs, Mr. Theo".

The best part of this story is that, according to the press release, Ortiz ostensibly bought his favorite steakhouse and threw a new name up on the marquee. Not a fan of ribeyes, say you? Quoth the presser:

"The menu will be greatly expanded to offer a wide variety of entrées, including salads, pasta, and gourmet burgers with handcut fries."

So this is obviously for those special Farmingham summer nights when the mall food court just won't do. I'd post a link to the website, but it's currently under construction. Seriously? in 2009 a website can still be under construction?

True Patriots

I can only hope that 200 years from now, the Washington Cosmos of the Doritos Spaceball League will feature an Obama avatar with a massive head and an anti-gravity pack.

Remetee Clothing: The New Tuxedo T-Shirt

Tonight the Cubs (sans Soriano, who's having season-ending surgery) get ready to square off against Milwaukee's Best for the last time this season. Never a dull moment with these two teams, until tonight. It will be dull. If you're a Chicago baseball fan, you're already in Bears mode moving to an abandoned school bus like Chris McCandless, or have other things on your mind: CLUBBING!

Now when I'm about to hit the clubs in Chicago, I spend a minimum of three hours grooming. I wash, rinse, and repeat with my BLAGO SHAMPOO. I make sure my goatee is perfectly symmetrical. I get out the old trusty MDMA kit and test the stash. Then I spend an hour on which Ed Hardy shirt I'm going to wear. Sometimes I rock the camo, other times I'm feeling the baby blue...depends on what pendant I'm wearing out. But you know what? Sometime I think Ed Hardy isn't gaudy enough. No, I need some real, real flashy, tacky shit that says "hey I've been to Sturgis, but I'll also pound Sparks and dance ironically to Soulja Boy at the clubs in Milwaukee." If you're like me, then look no further than the Brewers' own Ryan Bruan, and his clothing line.....REMETEE.


Just say that word out loud. Let it roll off your tongue. It will take you at least three or four times before you're able to figure out, "Oh, ok...like 'REMEDY'....ok, yeah I get it." It's the perfect mix of bad pun and awful spelling, like the athelete equivilent of "DECAYDANCE". So stupid. The idea for Remetee probably hit Braun as he was lamping in the cut with his boy, your boy, all our boys....CC.

• CC: AYO BRAUN! CHECK ME USE THIS ASIAN GIRL AS AN ARMREST, B!
  
  
• RB: UH, COOL MAN. HEY HAVE YOU MET LARISSA? SHE'S 1/3RD COMANCHE AND SOME OTHER SHIT, AND WORKS AT A TANNING BOOTH. FREE TANS!
  
  
• CC: UH, I'M BLACK, SON. GET AT ME WHEN YOU FIND A GIRL THAT WORKS AT AUNTIE ANNE'S PRETZELS, OK?
• 
  
• RB: DO YOU DIG MY SHIRT? KARL KANI! ALSO, CHECK THE LID--20 BUCKS AT CHESS KING!
• 
  
• CC: FOR THAT BUSTED ASS KANGOL? YOU LOOK LIKE A GAY DETECTIVE. AND WHAT'S WITH THE SHIRT? ARE YOU AT A CHURCH SOCIAL IN JULY? ARE YOU A SEXY BARTENDER? LOOK AT CC! LOOK AT ME! XXX-L T SHIRT. GIRLS LOVE THAT SHIT.
• 
  
• RB: REALLY? MAYBE WE COULD MAKE OUR OWN T-SHIRTS...FOR CLUBBING!
• 
  
• CC: WHAT DO YOU MEAN "WE", KEMOSABE? IF YOU THINK MY BLACK ASS IS STAYING A MINUTE MORE IN WISCONSIN THAN I NEED TO, THEN YOU'RE FUCKING CRAZY. NEW YORK STATE OF MIND!

Remetee is the reason athletes go broke when they retire. It's like the last days of the dot-com bubble, where start-ups were able to pry millions of dollars out of investors for a website where you could mail-order milk. Ryan Braun is about to ruin athlete-owned clothing lines for good. He'll make good on the promise of Zubaz. Let's take a look at the fall lineup:


This one is particularly cool, because it manages to combine two white-hot trends: looking like an Avenged Sevenfold fan and putting your arms over your head in an anguished pose. Also, someone forgot to tell Braun that just because the screenprinter cuts you a deal, it doesn't mean you have to use every color the factory has. This looks like a hit-and-run victim at a low-rider convention

If you can't tell, these girls are extremely excited for the chance to extend their own personal brand by wearing clothes that Vince Neil's hookers on retainer wouldn't be caught dead in. Bonus points to whichever triplet actually bedded Braun (trick question: they all did).

"If you would've told me ten years ago that today I'd be driving a PT Cruiser, popping oxycontin, getting a penis piercing and dressing like a punch-drunk MMA fighter, I would've laughed you right out of the board room."

I know what you're thinking: "Ryan! I'm not a stripper, a clubhouse attendent, or various Milwaukee detritus! Can I represent Remetee?" If you're Chris BIRDMAN Anderson, then yes, you can!

Grady Sizemore looking positively GQ in this Nightshade/Bleached out mess. As if he didn't have the clubs of Clevo locked down before. Look out Brady Quinn!

Fellow Brewer Bill Hall, making sure he doesn't run into anyone he knows while he's got Braun's stupid fucking t-shirt on. He better be getting paid for this. Call his manager.

Nothing says "touch of class" like JJ Hardy in a Remetee Skull shirt. Jesus Christ, this wouldn't even past muster at the airbrush t-shirt stand at the mall.

And last but not least, the creator, dressed in what will no doubtedly be the fashion craze of Kansas State University in '10.

REMETEE!

Cubs Baby Hoax

If anyone missed this yesterday, it turns out the story about an infant Cubs fan named "Waitle Nex Yeare" was all a hoax. Thank God that nonexistent kid won't have to get her ass kicked on a daily basis for the next 20 years of her life.

The Unbearable Lightness of Being a Reds Fan

As we head into the last 3 games of the year against the Reds, I'm flooded with warm memories of Chicago/Cincy series past: guzzling Dionysian amounts of $5 (!!!) draft beer at Great American Ballpark, Mr. Redlegs and his gay/turn of the century pugilist mustache, Dusty Baker bringing his tacklebox into the dugout, and um, all the wonderful culture offered by the city of Cincinnati (red: Skyline Chili). You know you're visiting Failsville when everyone who lives there tells you the cool part of town is on the Kentucky side of the river. Holy moly.

It's not easy to sum up the Cubs-Reds rivalry in a few sentences, but the closest approximation is how Sox fans view the Twins: you know you can beat them if you're on your game, but they find a way to peck and claw and knock out one-run homer after one-run homer until you realize it's the 8th inning and, oh shit, you're down 4-0. If I had a dollar for every time the Reds enacted that EXACT same scenario against the Cubs over the years, I'd probably have 20 bucks or something. It's the most frustrating kind of loss, and for a couple of years I felt the losses more than the average Northsider.

That's right. I dated a Reds fan.

During our initial courting session, I learned that she was a baseball fan, and not in the "my boyfriend likes baseball so I'll pretend to like it" vein. She was a dyed in the wool Reds fan whose grandfather had worked in the Reds farm system and was known throughout the midwest as being a John Ballgame worthy of praise and respect. She went to the same high school as Scott Rolen, a fact that was an endless source of pride for her. She would go on 20 minute rants about how she'd be at every one of Rolen's games, and how much pure talent he had, and how the Phillies fans were bastards that didn't appreciate what they had in Rolen during his first few seasons. She had dogs named after Reds players: Sabo, Griffey, and the dog we had together, Charlie Hustle. She cried when Dave Concepcion's number was retired. She threatened to divorce me (we weren't married, or even engaged) in the future when I said I was buying our firstborn a little Cubs outfit. And she was serious.

She hated the Cubs with a true, deep fervor--a seething hate I haven't seen from anyone but Woe'Sox and Cardinals fans. She hated everything about Cubs culture: the loveable loser tag, the uniforms, and the yuppy tendencies of Wrigleyville residents. She would go out of her way to stare down girls in pink Cubs hats. She'd yell at the drunken fratboys who accidentally clipped her an errant beanbag. She even harbored some secret (and not so secret) resentment towards my old man, as stubborn a Cubs fan as you'll meet, for giving me good natured shit for dating a Reds fan.

So.

Despite all of these warning signs, I agreed to take her to a Cubs/Reds game at Wrigley a few years ago. Before we left the house, I made her promise to stay cool no matter what happens, and to take everything in stride. "Please don't take every heckle so personally," I beseeched. "They're meant for Adam Dunn, not you." She promised to keep her cool, as she was layering up in all her Reds gear.

The keeping of the cool lasted 3 innings, or about 2 beers.

The Reds went up on us early with a (suprise, suprise) two-run shot by Adam Dunn, which automatically stoked the flames in the pleasure center of her brain. I was scared. This was a powder keg that could blow at any minute. Soon, she started to get mouthy. First with me, telling me that I supported a shitty team (not untrue - ed.), and then with the gathering of burly Mexican men who were assembled in the row in front of us. They started jawing back and forth for a while, until the group's ringleader...A CUBS FAN...turns to me and asks me to "get [my] bitch under control, or I was going to be the one who paid for it."

Normally the girl in this situation would be able to size things up, sober a little, and try and make peace before her 130 lb boyfriend got a few raps on the Jack Johnson, right? This was even better. She started yelling at them "Don't you threaten him, this is between you and me, motherfuck", etc, etc.

The circumstances of how we defused the whole thing escape me (hell, I was getting pretty drunk), but I think it involved an 80 year old usher coming down and giving us all the evil eye until we stopped bickering. That, or we were all temporarily thrown off by the dixeland-jazz stylings of the Incontinent Five.

No more than 5 minutes later, she was getting into it with a pink-Cubs hat clad Lakeview girl, and BOTH HER PARENTS. There were threats of beer pouring on heads, ass kicking, road-housing, etc. It was around this time that I reached my breaking point, and told her we were leaving, and we only went to one or two more games together, and NEVER another Reds game.

We're no longer together, which makes every Cubs/Reds series a little bittersweet for me. The most important thing to take away from this little anecdote is this: I fall for girls that have a little bit of the crazy in them, because, as a Cubs fan, I'm a sadist.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cubs - 6

Reds - 4

Four in a row, dudes. Let's play out the string.