APOCALYPSE NOW

After two years of mind-numbing South Side baseball intrigue leaving me without 90% of my frontal lobe and equally impotent, I have returned to declare that the end is near. The kingdom is most surely at hand. Is it any coincidence that 2012, long-speculated as having some sort of apocalyptic meaning, is going to feature a White Sox team with the projected lead-off hitter being Alejandro De Aza (92.5% impotent now)? When a Mayan worker finished chiseling "2011" into a stone slab, was he suddenly overcome by the feeling that his eyes were being stabbed with a thousand needles as he saw THIS vision?

So much time has passed that I do not even know where to begin attempting to catch up. Suffice it to say, Kenny Williams' choices of 2009- the Alex Rios waiver claim and the Jake Peavy trade- have left the Sox in a handcuffed position. In the case of Rios, $22.7M has been paid to him for a .685 OPS thus far, with another $37M coming before 2015 and a $1M team buyout kicks in. Alex Rios' contract would be more suitable for the NBA, it is so shitty. Peavy, the human embodiment of Roy Oswalt's bulldozer, has been paid $31M over two injury-riddled years. He has another $17M coming to him for this season, after which he will be eligible for a $4M buyout. In the case of both these players, I hope that the Sox have the common sense to cut ties with these albatrosses and move on. Paying out $5M between the two will save roughly $30.5M in cash.

Moving on to other shitty things, the present White Sox 40-man roster makes me want to immediately place my genitals on a car battery. Here is the rundown, with omissions for the pitchers on the 40-man- some things are better unseen. You're welcome.

Starting Pitchers:

1. John Danks
2. Jake Peavy
3. Gavin Floyd
4. Chris Sale
5. Phil Humber

Zach Stewart (long-relief candidate capable of spot starts)

Relief Pitchers:

1. Jesse Crain
2. Matt Thornton
3. Addison Reed
4. Will Ohman
5. ?
6. ?
7. LRP - Zach Stewart? / Dylan Axelrod? / Hector Santiago?

Projected Lineup:

1. Alejandro De Aza LF
2. Alexei Ramirez SS
3. Paul Konerko 1B
4. Adam Dunn DH
5. Dayan Viciedo RF
6. A.J. Pierzynski C
7. Brent Morel 3B
8. Alex Rios CF
9. Gordon Beckham 2B

Bench:

1. Eduardo Escobar IF
2. Osvaldo Martinez IF
3. Brent Lillibridge IF/OF
4. Tyler Flowers C

The rapture is coming. Bring it.